All parents have a bond with their children. It's not a new concept but it is incredible. Sometimes it feels to me like your umbilical cord was never cut. I feel your emotions like they're happening to me. I wonder how nature does that? You climbed the slide at the park the other day to show the "big girls" how well you can slide down and they'd walked off before you got to the top of the slide's ladder. I think I felt your disappointment more strongly than you did. Feeling a child's disappointment, sadness and fear seems to be an affliction parents have to live with so I'll try and get used to it. I'll also get used to the paradox I feel in loving you so much and wanting to keep you close whilst knowing my role is to help you to be independent. Another parental challenge to rationalise and deal with. There are a lot of those.
It's weird, I can cope with you physically hurting yourself more easily than I can when you are emotionally hurt. The day we left Right Bunny at a friends' house I sobbed with you through those horrible 20 minutes when you thought you'd never see her again. I hate it when people who aren't my own child are disappointed so I guess it was always going to be harder with you.
In contrast, I love how happy I can make you. I do hope that I can continue to do that as you get bigger. I appreciate it might get harder as your tastes become more sophisticated and I wont be able to make you ecstatic with some paper cups that you've never seen before and that you can fill with gravel. I have three pretty tins in my room to keep things in. You've always played with them and the other day I let you have the smallest one for your things in your room. Your little face lit up. You let out a big gasp and said "really Mummy?" You were so delighted and you have chosen to keep these things in it: your Lucy lobster which Grandad brought you in Sheringham, your silver heart necklace which our friends gave you, your bracelet which your Great Grandad gave you when you were born, your 'I've explored Skipton Castle' badge and a crayon. It took you a while to decide where to keep your tin. After much deliberation you have put it in pride of place next to your books and in front of your lion bookend. You declared that "it looks really good there Mummy". I agreed.
I occasionally have pangs of guilt that I don't do more sums with you. We don't own any flash cards. I havent made you recite your alphabet and I never bought those expensive language DVDs that I meant to buy. But then I remember, you can sing entire songs so you'll easily remember the alphabet when you have to. You know how many strawberries you have left, or how many carrots have grown in your garden, or how many sandwiches you require for your make-believe tea party so when the time comes that you need to subtract one from the other, I know you'll get it. I want you to enjoy your childhood, learn about the world and all the people in it, be inspired and to naturally develop your interests. There will be plenty of time for being academic and I know you're bright and will be ok.
I occasionally have pangs of guilt that I don't do more sums with you. We don't own any flash cards. I havent made you recite your alphabet and I never bought those expensive language DVDs that I meant to buy. But then I remember, you can sing entire songs so you'll easily remember the alphabet when you have to. You know how many strawberries you have left, or how many carrots have grown in your garden, or how many sandwiches you require for your make-believe tea party so when the time comes that you need to subtract one from the other, I know you'll get it. I want you to enjoy your childhood, learn about the world and all the people in it, be inspired and to naturally develop your interests. There will be plenty of time for being academic and I know you're bright and will be ok.
More than anything I want you to want to experience and appreciate everything around you. Yesterday you saw your first hot air balloon. Open mouthed and amazed you stared at it as it floated across the sky over our garden. "Wow, Mummy. It's so colourful and big and high. Maybe one day I could go in a hot air balloon with you Mummy....maybe?" I welled up a bit and hugged you.
Tonight you said "sorry Mummy that you can't play on my Scuttlebug because it is too small for you" and then you hugged me and looked up at me and said "don't worry Mummy. You can play with something else" You thought I was sad and wanted to change that. I do chirp on about it but your kindness makes me so happy and is not something I have to bring out of you. It's just there. Just the way it should be.
You're asleep in your little bed now so, sweet dreams darling. Lots of love, as always, Mummy x
“Well, anyway, when I grow up, I'm always going to talk to little girls as if they were, too, and I'll never laugh when they use big words.” ~ L M Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)
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