A new year begins

The other day I read an old post from when you had just turned three. I can't quite believe that are now six. Six whole years old. To me, you are the most brilliant, caring and wonderful six year old. You cherish everything and I never want that to stop. School, family, friends, home, learning, adventures, music and stories. 

Whilst I had a coffee the other day, you decided to read a book filled with paintings. Well, you looked at the pictures. You said that one picture you looked at made you think of somewhere really calm. Where the day goes slowly and no one needs to rush.Then you got to one which made you feel lonely, tired and empty. "It kind of makes me feel invisible Mummy." I could listen to your chatter for hours. Your six year old thoughts are so mesmerising to me.

There is a lot being written at the moment about kids being kids, toys being toys, and gender stereotypes being outlawed. I want to see us really letting kids be kids. I have an overwhelming desire for us all to stop intervening. You should pick your own toys, pink or blue, dinosaur or princess. I want, more than anything, to just let you be. Sometimes I want to shout out loud for people to give you some space. I don't because interaction with other people is important and, well, it would be rude! I am also very aware that my need for peace is not yours. It is just a very strong instinct in me. I am most relaxed when you have the space to exist at your own pace and in your own way. 

I want you to relish in a nature documentary as much as in an episode of Paw Patrol. To watch Harry Potter, Star Wars, The Sound of Music and Frozen. To visit art galleries and antique shops as well as toy shops and funfairs. I just want you to see, hear, smell and feel all that the world has to offer and not just a wrapped up, glitzy version of what grown-ups think is entertainment for you. It is a fine balance. I type this as we finish watching Minions together on a rainy day.

We spend the last day of 2016 in London together. A lot of people say that 2016 was a really bad year. There is a lot going on in the world right now and you'll learn about it soon enough. I just want you to always remember to not to be scared, to be proud, to care about people and to give everything to what you believe in. Gently change the world by giving everything that you can in your little corner and through positivity and hope. There isn't enough of that stuff and you, my little girl, are brimming with it. 

At six years old you mean the absolute world to me. I love every fibre of your being and can't bear the thought of you being disappointed or being scared and alone. But I do know that you will feel these things. It will shape you as a person, a brilliant and wonderful person. I will keep giving you as many experiences as I can. That is what I feel that my job is right now and I will never tire of your expectant little six year old face asking me, "where are we going to go next Mummy?" I can trace the outline of my heart and soul in your face. You embody all of my hopes and dreams and I just can't wait to see where you take them. 

Happy new year my darling little girl. Let's go and make some more memories.

"For last year's words belong to last year's language. And next year's words await another voice" - T. S. Elliot

My baby

This weekend you have been very loving and stayed close to me. I've felt your soft little touch as I potter about the house, as I sit and relax, when we did Parkrun together and as I cook. Everywhere I've been, you haven't been far behind. I said to you that you'd been very cuddly. You said you just loved me a little bit more that day, with your palms upturned as they are when you're explaining something obvious. 

Me and you, Pescara, Italy ~ 2015

There are times when you drive me mad because you won't clean your teeth because your arms are too tired. Or you have a meltdown because you got ice cream on Right Bunny (screaming, "it didn't even land on her mouth so she could eat it. It's in her fuuuuuuuur!" - that happened today!) Or you behave as though I'm murdering you when I cut your finger nails, "not my little finger Mummy. It's just a baaaaaby!" Or you lose the tiniest dead leaf that you'd been keeping safe in your dungarees pocket and you scream that I have to find it, until something else catches your attention (that happened yesterday too!) 

But in spite of all that, my love for you is unquantifiable. It's beyond my reach. It's like outer space and it consumes me every day. You are part of me. My insides. Right now I want to hold you close and keep you there for ever. I want to freeze time with you at 4 years old. My beautiful 4 year old. I don't want to forget your sweet little voice chatting to yourself with your felt tips, your toys or your imaginary friends. Your perfect curls. Your big blue eyes. You told me that your little finger had grown a bit today. I said I wanted you to stay small and you said "I can't Mummy but I'll always be your baby."

My baby at Kokopelli Camping, Serramonacesca, Italy ~ 2015

Watching films together today 

I love you sweetheart.

Parkrun #2

Last week you ran your first junior Parkrun at age 4. The youngest in a 4-14 age category you ran all the way round the 2km to the finish line. I cried, happy tears. So proud of you. My Talipes baby. 

Last week at the finish line

This week was a different kettle of fish! 3/4 of a km in you took a roly poly tumble and cut your knee. Clearly in pain you said you wanted to run on but after the 1km mark you had to stop. 

There were tears. I was devestated. A combination of you falling on the fun downhill where you like to put your hands in the air and shout "weeee", your disappointment at not finishing and your little hurt knee. All of that rendered Mummy useless at helping you through it all. Practical Mummy with the good advice, she wasn't there. Sniffy rubbish Mummy, she was. I feel your disappointment tenfold and I'm pretty useless at dealing with it. 

Still, a cuddle and an icecream later and all you wanted to do was limp over to the route and run the last km with Mummy. I told you you'd done 1km which was still pretty good but you sniffed that it wasn't 2. So, we ran the route together, on our own, and my determined little girl ran all the way to the finish. 

Of course I want you to be successful but more than anything in the world I want you to keep a tight hold of that steely determination that I saw today. "I didn't give up, did I Mummy?" I cried again. I am so proud of you sweetie. 

Quick stop for a swig of water...

....and to tell me to keep up

Finished! 

What I have learnt today is that things have to go wrong for us to learn how to be stronger. Without pain and failure we have nothing to overcome and learn from. Today you surprised me with your strength. My cautious and careful little girl is also quite brave and determined. 

"Here's to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them" ~ Unknown

I love you.

This is a man's world?

"Mind the maternity gap"

"Male bonuses double those of women says study" 

"Working mothers risk damaging their child's prospects" 

(That last one was the Daily Mail....just saying)

This issue is all over the media at the moment. I have been asked to be a guest on a BBC Radio Cambridge programme on the subject next week which I am delighted about because it is a subject I am very passionate about. 

Feminists hate it when women say that they are not feminists and if you take the dictionary definition of the word then, yes, I am one. I do believe women should be allowed the same rights, power and opportunities as men and should be treated in the same way. I do not however, believe that feminism should be a crusade or a cause. I hate the prospect of female quotas on boards. I am vehmently for equal opportunities and I firmly believe it is then up to each individual to make the most of those opportunities. I would really like the focus to be less on whether there is a glass ceiling for women or a gender pay gap to address and more on making sure that our business environments are conducive to career development for everyone and that our girls are coming out of school fired up with confidence and ambition.

I've blogged on the subject before but I work for money, for me and so I can be the role model I want to be for my daughter. She gets lots of quality time with me but, in addition, I can demonstrate to her that women and girls can be whoever they want to be. I want her to see me enjoying work and I then use my fulfilment to be a more engaging parent to her. It's not a one size fits all, but it fits me. 

It's just my view but I believe we should embrace what makes us men or women and use those attributes to create a balanced workplace. Women trying to compete with men, blaming glass ceilings for lack of progression and shouting about gender pay gaps and inequality need to sit down and re-evaluate their focus. I think we should all focus on what motivates us rather than what we think is holding us back. Blaming someone else for not achieving what we think we should will never see us prosper in the way we want to. We should embrace failure as another experience and get on with it. Don't get me wrong. I cry, get upset and sulk with the best of them but once I've revived my logical mind, I move on.

I consider myself to be a big supporter of women in the workplace, reasonably good at my work, reasonably successful and reasonably ambitious. Despite all this I still recognise my own character traits which prevent me from being able to ruthlessly claw my way to the top in the style of Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada. Alpha female, I am not. These traits are:

1. I cry easily. Kelly Cutrone (alpha female and very successful business woman) wrote a book 'If you have to cry, go outside'. She would emotionally flatten me. I'd be outside all day.

2. I think I'm good at my job but will never ask for more money to do it. You won't change that about me (people have tried).

3. I hate upsetting people and can't deal with anyone thinking badly of me. So much so that I verge on pathetic sometimes.

4. I want people who work for me to be the best that they can and that sometimes distracts me from myself.

5. I don't want to be one of the boys. I'm happy being a girl and really don't mind making the coffee (shhh).

Feminist crusaders' heads will be exploding everywhere with that last one but it's true. Along with all of the above I want to succeed. I thrive on building a successful business and I want to be the best I can be.

I am not denying that the glass ceiling and gender pay gap exist and even that discrimination happens. I am simply suggesting that these issues may not have all been constructed by sexist men to keep us out of the boardroom and to keep all the money for themselves. Instead I think that they might be phenomenons which have formed naturally over years of some women making the perfectly valid and personal decision to focus on motherhood over their careers, some women not pushing themselves forward for pay rises as readily as their male counterparts, some women having a lack of confidence to apply for the top jobs and some girls rising from school into the workplace with less ambition than the boys. It's not wrong, it's just the way it is. So, in my humble opinion, the number of women in the top jobs is lower than the number of men for no sinister reason. It's just nature and life. The jobs are there for the taking though girls. Let's just look at ourselves first if we don't end up taking them.

My inspiration ~ Molly Rose High at 2 years and 10 months

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't" ~ Margaret Thatcher

"A girl should be two things: who and what she wants" ~ Coco Chanel

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it" - Marilyn Monroe