Life is tough, but so are you.....

I am 39 years old. I've never been confident about my body or my physical abilities. I've never been sporty. I've never owned a bikini. I was never good at PE and it's the only part of school that I look back on and remember, as clear as day, that all-consuming feeling of inadequacy. That was just me. 

In 2011 something else happened to me. Your thyroid is a tiny little gland which plays a huge role in how your body functions. It regulates your metabolism and without it you gain weight and feel sluggish and fatigued. The thyroid gland also controls the chemical messengers that your brain uses to communicate with your nerves. Without it the messengers go all over the place leading to depression and anxiety. Sometimes the thyroid gland slows down. Mine is defunct. Completely gone. No thyroid function at all. 

Me in 2011

So here I am in 2016. With some determination of my own and a lot of help and support from the wonderful people around me, I now cycle, I run, I go to the gym, I eat healthily and more importantly, I'm happy and confident. I've filled that void. The one that grew and consumed me in young adulthood.

I sometimes feel judged for the choices that I make now. It's a funny thing. I find that really hard but I put it all out there for the sake of the stronger feelings. The positive ones. On top of combating all of my symptoms of Hypothyroidism and actually getting good at lifting weights, running and cycling, I can also help others. I can help friends who feel like I did. I can encourage the struggling nine year old girl who thinks she can't do it at Parkrun to run to the finish with us. I can help all of those people who think that they can't do it, or don't know how to. I can show the nervous new girl at the gym how to do a dead lift. 

Most of all though, I can give everything I have to being a role model for you. You run because I run and your competitive spirit is fierce. You are determined and brilliant and I want to keep fuelling that for as long as I can. If I don't believe in myself then you won't believe in yourself. If I reach for the stars, then you will too. You can do whatever you want to sweetheart and, as I have learnt along the way, so can I. 

You completed your 21st Junior Parkrun today. You finally got your marathon wristband baby x 

"Though she be but little, she is fierce!" ~ William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

The end of a journey

Yesterday, your 5 year Talipes journey ended (apart from a few stretches to do each day). After being cast from your toes to your thigh for the first 4 weeks of your life, to wearing a brace keeping your feet shoulder width apart with a metal bar for 23 hours a day for the next 3 months of your life, to wearing it at night times for the next 4 and a half years, this journey has been your whole little life. As I sit here today, that period of time has been your entire life. I know I've already said that! You couldn't sleep on your side, curl up in a ball, feel your duvet on your feet or get up in the morning. And now you can.

Waiting to be seen in hospital yesterday

I am not going to wax lyrical about how brave you were. Or how unfair it was. Or how strong you've been. I never have. The treatment was brilliant. It didn't hurt. We treated it as part of your life. Your routine. You knew no different and so you never questioned it. What I will do now is celebrate with you that you can now curl up in a ball, feel your duvet on your little feet and get up on your own in the morning and that, my darling, is something worth celebrating. Treasure the little things.

No more boots and bar

The memory I will treasure is you, my little 5 year old girl, walking barefoot along the clinical corridor of the hospital so that they could assess your walking. Your pale little feet on that big cold hospital corridor floor. They looked so vulnerable and I willed everything to be ok until I nearly burst inside. I wanted to hold you forever at that moment. 

And that's it. I started writing these letters to talk to you about your Talipes and they have become so much more than that and given me more joy than I can ever describe to you here. I hope, with all my heart, that you will enjoy them when you're older. Until the next time I write sweetheart, sleep tight, curled up in your little ball x

 

Almost 5!

On your last weekend before you turn 5, we have been to the circus, made pancakes, marshaled at your Parkrun, practiced your cycling, sung songs, been out for lunch and watched films. I am constantly amazed by how quickly my baby is growing up before my eyes. No longer a baby but a little person, grabbing hold of life with both hands and soaking it up. I love that your teddy is currently blindfolded so that you can arrange her surprise birthday party without her seeing. And that you thought your fishes may have been playing tag when one chased the other in the tank today. You are so kind and you always see the best in people (and fish).

My little girl is hurtling towards her 5th birthday bursting with new knowledge, wonderful friendships, more questions than you can imagine, determination, an exploding vocabulary, compassion, imagination, energy and so many dreams. At 4 years 11 months and 20-something days, you are my whole world. 

You have been the sweetest, funniest, kindest, most inquisitive little 4 year old and, whilst I am sad that this is the last time I'll write to you at 4, I cannot wait to meet my 5 year old daughter and see what adventures there are in store for her.

I love you, always x

"If you don't know where you are going any road can take you there" ~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

My baby

This weekend you have been very loving and stayed close to me. I've felt your soft little touch as I potter about the house, as I sit and relax, when we did Parkrun together and as I cook. Everywhere I've been, you haven't been far behind. I said to you that you'd been very cuddly. You said you just loved me a little bit more that day, with your palms upturned as they are when you're explaining something obvious. 

Me and you, Pescara, Italy ~ 2015

There are times when you drive me mad because you won't clean your teeth because your arms are too tired. Or you have a meltdown because you got ice cream on Right Bunny (screaming, "it didn't even land on her mouth so she could eat it. It's in her fuuuuuuuur!" - that happened today!) Or you behave as though I'm murdering you when I cut your finger nails, "not my little finger Mummy. It's just a baaaaaby!" Or you lose the tiniest dead leaf that you'd been keeping safe in your dungarees pocket and you scream that I have to find it, until something else catches your attention (that happened yesterday too!) 

But in spite of all that, my love for you is unquantifiable. It's beyond my reach. It's like outer space and it consumes me every day. You are part of me. My insides. Right now I want to hold you close and keep you there for ever. I want to freeze time with you at 4 years old. My beautiful 4 year old. I don't want to forget your sweet little voice chatting to yourself with your felt tips, your toys or your imaginary friends. Your perfect curls. Your big blue eyes. You told me that your little finger had grown a bit today. I said I wanted you to stay small and you said "I can't Mummy but I'll always be your baby."

My baby at Kokopelli Camping, Serramonacesca, Italy ~ 2015

Watching films together today 

I love you sweetheart.

Saturday May 2nd 2015

I haven't written to you in a while. We've been busy. Life is busy.

It's May 2015 and there is a general election next week. People will vote for who they want to lead our country. It won't mean anything to you at the moment but it will. You will learn about politics and I hope that you will care. Listen to everyone's views. And I mean really listen. Don't close your mind too soon. Form your opinions based on what your heart and mind are telling you. There are a lot of simple theories out there. The truth is often more complex and harder to understand. You should try. Your life will be richer for it.

Today it was just us. We had pancakes for breakfast, watched Mary Poppins, baked a cake & practiced on your bike. You are most content at home. It is definitely where your heart is. Your safe place. I was like you at your age. I remember it clearly. I loved my home too. I remember only glimpses of the house that was my home when I was four. Like the glimpses of your home that I took today....

 Over the garden gate

Our spring wisteria

At the park whilst you play

Watching Mary Poppins

Learning to ride

You've just informed me that the wind is changing and Mary Poppins has to go now. It's also time for your bath. 

I'll see you tomorrow sweetheart. I love you.

You and Ted

"Winds in the east, mist coming in. Like somethin' is brewin' and bout to begin. Can't put me finger on what lies in store. But I fear what's to happen's all happened before." ~ Bert, Mary Poppins 

Mother's Day, Italy, cycling and dreams

You It was Mother's Day last Sunday. You were at your cousins' house for the day. Looking out of the garden room that morning at the snowdrops and the blackbird building a nest, I felt a pang of sadness that we weren't together. We spend every weekend together though and I knew that this little adventure would be good for you, and me. 

I don't want to just work, pay for things and exist but to really live each moment. It may be that we can't have fancy expensive holidays but I promise that, instead, we'll do the things that we really want to do. This summer we'll have a rustic Italian mountain adventure. We'll pack up the car and drive all the way across Europe with our closest friends taking in all of the sights and sounds along the way. We'll stop at alpine cafes. We'll cross mountain passes. We'll stay in pretty towns and we'll BBQ under the Italian mountain stars when we arrive. Real life and real places.

http://www.myfamilyandabruzzo.com/?m=1 (Auntie Lulu's blog about where we're going) 

You and Alfie will love your summer holiday together (not forgetting little Ralph)

We may not be together for every moment but I want to be one of the lead characters in your book. To inspire you to live. Which means that I should live my life, not just dream it, spending a little bit of time apart so that we can grow together in different ways. 

My adventure last weekend with the Women's Eastern Racing League

And home again

Today it's just you and me. You're chatting to yourself in the next room making up adventures for your toys to live. Make space for your own adventures too sweetie, and don't ever be scared to embark on them. They'll always be worth it. 

My beautiful little girl with a head full of dreams

My girl

I didn't give you life, I think that it gave you to me. That's how I see it anyway. You are just growing up, like any kid does. But whilst you do it, you are changing me, in a way that only having you can. You took the fragmented pieces of me when you were born and you held them in your little hands and gave them back to me, a completed puzzle. It all makes sense. I'm not superstitious, or religious, or all that spritual, but I believe that I was meant to have you. 

This morning you seemed sad. I asked you what was wrong and you said, "the thing is Mummy, there was going to be a carnival today in our house but all the actors are sick and it's cancelled." You looked so serious and sad. I couldn't reduce your make-believe carnival to something that's not real and doesn't matter, so I gave you a cuddle and we talked about rescheduling the carnival. 

I feel your emotions, as strongly as I feel my own. I laugh when you do, your tears are my tears, I feel your pain and share in your excitement. What I long for is that you will somehow see yourself through my eyes as you grow up. Care about yourself as much as I do and always want for yourself as much as I want for you. My little girl, my world. 

Love you  x

A Mummy/Molly Sunday

My story began in 1977. Yours in 2010. Separated by 33 years but intrinsically linked by the fibres of our beings. I relate to your questions and thoughts like I had them once myself. 

We watched the 1961 version of 101 Dalmations today. I remember being little, like you, and being frightened of Cruella De Vil and scared for the puppies. The voice of the narrator, the music and characters bring all those feelings back to me. The years between us dissolve away and I am 4 with you.

You absorbed every piece of the drama, emotion, plot and characters, talking your way through your obervations.

"Why doesn't the daddy doggy have puppies Mummy? Do Daddies not have babies from their tummies?" 

"Cruella's wand looks stinky Mummy" (cigarette)

"The nasty men know the puppies are disguised now do they Mummy?"

"Pongo's pets will be happy to have the puppies home for Christmas will they Mummy?"

"90 puppies and 2 grown up doggies makes 100 does it Mummy?" 

I love that my childhood memories can become yours

Today you called lasagne, lasagne instead of vasagne as you always used to. And you asked for breakfast in the conservatory, when it always used to be the inservatory. I've realised that one day you won't reach up to hold my hand, or want me to sit with you as you fall asleep or need Righty with you at night. I probably won't notice these things happen, like vasagne. So I'll treasure them while they do. 

Sweet dreams baby

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." ~ Roald Dahl

Growing up

I have come to learn, and strongly believe, that having you no more makes me a parent than having a cello would make me a cellist. To me, being your parent is about the guidance, inspiration, protection and support that I try to provide to you every day. I have had to learn and to change and better myself in order to be the person that I want you to learn from, and will continue to do so. The biggest job I want to excel at is teaching you to get along without me. That's really difficult when you're 4 and you look to me for everything. Subtly and gently though, I want to show you that women are independent, strong, and healthy with views on the world and no limits on what they can do. If I achieve nothing else, I want that message to be ingrained in your soul.

Sometimes people can fall short of their dreams, not be who they want to be or deny themselves opportunities. Not through any deliberate actions but through other people's preconceived ideas of the world and how things, how we, should be. My promise to you is that I will try to give you the tools and environment that you need to become who you want to be and I won't ever smother you with my own ideals or standards. I might be wrong (I sometimes am!) but it seems to me that inspiration and the space for free expression are the most important things that I can give to you. As I see it, if I'm wrong about that, it's better than being wrong about telling you how and who to be.

The other day I found you crying proper tears on your own in the lounge. You told me that your pretend baby girl had eaten a magic apple and died. You've asked about death a lot lately and it is hard for me to see your pure little mind working through such a difficult subject. But, it is all part of your development and we talk and I listen. And I will continue to listen as you grow and want to know about the world around you.

The next morning you woke up with some "sad news." Apparently, "Bluey had been bitten by a lobster." You look for a reason to care for those around you and Bluey's distress at being bitten by a lobster meant that she needed you. I love that you wanted to be there for her.

Bluey

I know that I will play a part in giving you the strength to grow. I feel that most when I go to you at night. You are too scared to leave your room with it's butterfly fairly lights providing a safe glow. Then you put your soft little hand in mine and you march into that dark hallway with purpose. At the moment, my hand can protect you from the dark, from big dogs, from roads and from monsters. That makes me so very happy.  

Sweet dreams baby. 

In Cambridge on my birthday

"You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls." ~ J M Barrie, Peter Pan

The Robot Giant

Yesterday we watched The Robot Giant together. I have to choose your films carefully because you are pretty sensitive to danger, sadness, anger, dark, purple minions, witches and snow monsters....to name but a few. This film was on the borderline. We talked through the, potentially deal-breaking scenes. I didn't want it to end up in the graveyard of 'too scary' films along with Frozen and Despicable Me 2.

This film started with a futuristic war scene during which you shuffled closer to me. It finished just before you wrote it off as too scary. The war left a giant lonely robot called Big Green wandering through a wasteland. He met a little robot and they embarked on a journey together becoming the best of friends through their adventures. 

Now, I can't watch all kids' movies. I think it's a pre-requisite that they are silly but some are silly and empty. This one wasn't. It had heart. I like that. It was surreal, imaginative and desolate. There was a scene where Big Green had to save his friend who was stuck to a bomb which would go off when the the sun's shadow was cast at noon. Big Green could have used his strength to pull his friend free but instead he embarks on a determined mission high up into the sky to stop the sun. How he gets there and what he encounters on the way results in one of the most imaginative scenes I've ever seen in a children's film. You followed his perilous struggle on the edge of your seat and let out a cheer when he reached the sun. "YES! He made it Mummy."

Big Green struggles with what he was programmed to be and want he wants to be in a battle between his heart and his CPU. You recognise his struggles and you talk through them to reassure yourself that it'll all be ok. 

"He doesn't know how to be a friend does he Mummy?"

Your speech is developing every day although you haven't yet mastered contractions and instead choose to not always use them. I try not to correct you. You will learn in your own time. 

"Friends should always help each other should they Mummy?"

"If we tried to stop the sun, we'd get burnt would we Mummy? That's why we're not robots"

"They are still friends, are they Mummy?"

"I know why he's scared of Big Green. It's because his secret extra robot arms make him look like a spider and he doesn't realise it is just his friend, not a spider, does he Mummy?" 

We tackled war, friendship, politics, loyalty, good, evil and morals with The Robot Giant yesterday. And you were very brave sweetheart. It was a tiny bit scary.

I love you.

"Everything I learned I learned from the movies." ~ Audrey Hepburn

A number of tricky subjects....

One of my hardest challenges, as your mummy, is to fight my overwhelming urge to protect you from everything. To wrap you up in the softest wool and to keep you warm and happy as I did when you were born. 

The easiest thing is to try and protect you from experiencing sadness, rejection or disappointment and to shield you from the world, the real world. But that would be wrong. I cannot bear you being sad but, more than that, I cannot bear the thought of you living in a sterile bubble in which you don’t feel the raw emotions which will shape you as a little person. It is a battle though. A battle against my instincts. I can't fight them but I can work hard to manage them so that they don't smother you. Tell me if I smother you. I'll try to stop. Nature's not my call. Nurture is the one I can work on. This is where I can try to prepare you for the world in the best way I know how whilst giving you the space to find your own way too  

Yesterday you told me about your day at school, well, the bit that stood out for you: 

"My best friend got shut in a drawer. I told the teacher and she helped him to get out"

I told you it was good to look out for your friends.

"It is Mummy. And if one is missing you should always check the drawers"

A good life lesson.

This week also saw you asking me what the army do? I explained that they protect our country and keep us safe. "From aliens, and bears and dragons you mean Mummy?" You're not ready to hear about holy wars and the liberation of far off nations from oppressive regimes. We'll stick with bears for now. "Mummy? Bears only live in hot countries, right? It's cold here isn't it?" It's ok sweetie, there are no bears here....aside from the friendly one from Peru that is....

And tonight, my biggest parenting challenge to date. "Mummy, you won't ever die, will you?" Help! Caught off guard, I couldn't speak. You saw my panic. You read my facial expression. The edges of your mouth turned down. The tears started rolling. I spluttered some incoherent words about everyone dying one day and moved on as fast as I could. You were sobbing. Too late. Through the sobs, "I don't want you to die Mummy." What do I do? What do I do? "MUMMIES NEVER DIE!" I blurted. Ahhh, calm. That went well. Another day maybe? We've got loads of time.

My crazy-haired baby

Night night baby. I love you.

"Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly 

Birds fly over the rainbow 
Why then, oh why can't I?" ~ Judy Garland (1939)

Happy New Year ~ 2015

When you came along I began to experience everything again. Yet for the first time. Through your eyes. Through your questions:

"Mummy, how does the sugar factory make sugar?"

"Mummy, is Rudolph's nose bright to light the way so Father Christmas doesn't crash the sleigh and drop all the children's presents?"

"Mummy, when I was a baby, how did I tell you if I was cross?" 

We were listening to Simon & Garfunkel in the car today. You laughed "A person can't be an island, can they Mummy?" 

I try to impartially explain the world to you in a way you will understand. You have so much to learn. You missed going to "big school" in September because you were born in October. I hated your disappointment when your friends went up but now I see you, the oldest in playgroup. Helping the new "little ones". Looking after them. Showing them the way and taking on responsibilities. The curriculum can wait. I love watching you care and grow as a person. A brilliant little person. 

You don't ever want anyone to be disappointed. You won't ever pitch those around you against each other and won't tell anyone that they have failed or lost without rubbing their arm to comfort them and telling them that "practice makes perfect". No prejudices. You just care. I can't quite believe that my tiny little baby is now someone that I learn from every single day.

At 4 years old, with 2 imaginary friends, a keeness for all things pirate, a strong sense of empathy, an unbreakable bond with a rabbit comforter and the prettiest bright blonde curls you are a perfect mixture of your own personality and the world around you. Don't ever change baby. 

Because of you I've learnt to look after myself, to better myself, to be strong and to be your inspiration. I want you, my little girl, to be whoever you want to be and to aim for the stars. If I don't, I can't expect you to. 

Happy New Year sweetheart. I love you.

"For last year's words belong to last year's language 

And next year's words await another voice." ~ T.S.Eliot, Little Gidding (1942)

You're 4!

You have changed so much in this past year. From a squishy toddler into a beautiful, caring, inquisitive and thoughtful little girl with the apparent wisdom of someone far beyond her 4 years. 4, I can't believe you're 4! Although I am painfully aware that I'll be saying, I can't believe you're 14 before I know it so here's me, capturing our lives in letters so as to cherish each stage for ever. 

We went to Cambridge today to spend your birthday money. You chose a Mr Men book, a story about a boy who befriends a whale...

 ...a marble run game...

..,and a little bag of gemstones and a yo-yo. I can't pinpoint it exactly but a combination of the city, the season, the sunshine and you made me so very happy today. 

Sitting on the wall together by the little round church in Cambridge, we ate our jelly beans

In the lift in the car park today you, as you always do, clung to my leg in case the lift light went out and you wouldn't be able to find me, in the 2ft by 2ft space! I put my hand reassuringly on the side of your face holding you close to me, as if to try and stamp my protective instinct into you, like pushing a coin into clay, leaving an imprint forever. You must remember though, no single person should ever be your everything. That's not to say "don't love," just don't forget to be there for yourself. Look after yourself. Always know how to make yourself happy. Be considerate to others and never stop caring. If you can do this I know you'll be just fine. And then so will I. 

Have fun being 4 sweetie.

“She made herself stronger by fighting with the wind.” ~ Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

"Is that a real pyramint Mummy?"

"Do you mean pyramid? 

"No Mummy, you're saying it wrong"

"But it's called a pyramid"

"I know Mummy, that's what I said" ~ Me and you, just now watching Despicable Me