"Oh bother", you said

I love your language. I try to encourage you to use wholesome, old fashioned words. It sounds so sweet when you say, "oh bother" when something goes wrong. Although I can't take the credit for that as it's not one I use. I approve though. It's "pardon", not "what" and "yes" not "yeah". I know you won't listen to me forever so I will continue to lead by example in the hope that you follow of your own volition. You just thanked Right Bunny for 'helping' you onto the bed (apparently) "Thank you Righty. You are a very big help to me." Your bond with that old rabbit is stronger than ever and I'm curious as to when that strength might wane. But right now it warms my heart how much you still love that inanimate, tatty old thing.  

It was my birthday today. I asked if I could do your hair in a ponytail. You said, "another time Mummy." I protested on the basis that it was my birthday and you said, "don't worry Mummy. You can do my ponytail on your next birthday." You never just say "no". It makes me happy that you always deliver your refusal with a sweetner. A common, slightly lazy, example when I object to your refusals is, "that doesn't matter if I don't do it Mummy. I still love you." Sweet, but wily.

You like to clean your teeth yourself now. You told me very excitedly tonight "when I am bigger Mummy my tooth will fall out. I will put it under my pillow and the tooth fairy will come and take it away and leave me a shiny gold coin." I wish I could write the expression and excited tone in your voice. It got higher and louder and faster and faster. You were just so pleased to be sharing this 'new' information with me and your little hands were going nineteen to the dozen as you explained what will be happening. 

I'm watching you fall asleep now, with Righty and Ted. I love you darling. Sweet dreams.

"If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember that this whole thing was started with a dream and a mouse." ~ Walt Disney Company

I want you to grow up strong

There's a strange paradox I feel in that I want to protect you from things you don't need to worry about whilst also wanting you to help me through my difficult times. That may sound selfish. It does, I can hear it. I don't believe I am the only one who has selfish thoughts from time to time. It's nothing I'd act on. It's just a feeling. I can't control it.

When something's on my mind it should be a welcome relief that you're happy, unaware and only concerned with whether Poppy the monkey would mind if Liony borrowed her handbag for a little while. Instead of being a distraction though, your blissful ignorance increases my worry. I now also have to contend with this overwhelming desire to protect my little girl from the worries of the grown-up world. That responsibility weighs heavily on me sometimes.

So whilst I want you to tell me what decisions to make and comfort me when I'm sad, my natural and overwhelming instincts are to shield you from all the bad stuff. And that's what I do.

You've been poorly this week. 

It's like when you're ill, or dealing with your Talipes. I would always rather it was me than you. Although, I have come to realise that children deal with that stuff much better than adults do. It might sound harsh but you'll never hear me pouring out watery platitudes about how brave you are with your boots and bar (you know no different, it's not bravery) or how your latest cold or flu virus is so unfair (they go round all of the children, every year). Don't get me wrong, I worry about you constantly, that's nature. But I also know that, actually, when you're ill, you just need to be warm and safe with good food and lots of sleep. I want you to grow up resilient and strong. Not feeling as though your boots and bar are in some way punishing or that a winter virus is the end of the world. My favourite thing about this week has been your determined insistence that, "I'm not poorly. It's just a little cough Mummy. I will be better in the morning." That is how we deal with these pesky viruses! 

Tonight you said, 

"Why did you not bring me a toy home tonight Mummy?"

"I wasn't supposed to was I?"

"Yes Mummy"

"Why?"

"That's why you love me Mummy"

You still use "that's why" in place of "because". And that is (one of the many reasons) why I love you sweetheart.

"Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands." - Anne Frank

Dear Molly, you asked me once, "who is Auntie Choof?"

We had this sensible thought when you and your cousins came along that we'd drop all the silly family nicknames. I think they seemed even sillier when we tried to comprehend explaining them to the next generation.

Despite our best efforts they've crept back in, as deep engrained family traditions tend to because they've carved a furrow for us all to live in. I've actually come to believe that that furrow is where we belong. It's there for a reason.  

So, in answer to your question, when Cameron and Erica refer to "Auntie Choof" they are talking about your Mummy. I am Choof to many of our close friends and family. And your Uncle Peter is a pelican and  Auntie Amanda is a panda and Daddy is an eagle and sometimes I call Auntie Lulu, Bart and Grandad calls Cameron, the Pontipine and therefore, Erica, his little sisiter, is the Pinette (a female Pontipine). Your Grandad Foster initiated a lot of this with his animalisation of everyone to amuse us as children...and adults! 'Choof' came from school for me though. I just think that my lack of reticence to accept it as a name came from our family environment. It's no big deal. They're only nicknames. Just things which attach to our personae. Sometimes forever, sometimes until another name evolves. Some people use them and some people don't and they are just part of us. Who we are. Our family.

Auntie Amanda(the Panda)'s photograph of you and Cameron walking in Brinkley this weekend

I love being Choof. I love it because it is a natural evolution of different terms of endearment used by my friends and family since I was at school. When people use it today it means, to me, an acceptance of something which on the surface is superficial and silly but which is completely part of who I am. Not that it matters if people don't use it. Nor have I sought to influence who does and who doesn't. It's just happened. Or not. 

My friend (Auntie Lulu) sent me an e-mail yesterday because she hadn't seen me in a while. It made me smile for all the reasons mentioned above.....and, of course, because it made a beautiful reference to you, my little curly haired shadow.

"Missing - The lesser spotted Choof.  Very small of frame with a big fringe and eyes.  Can be tempted out with black coffee and cake.  Possibly kidnapped by turbo training fanatics.  Usually found with a wee companion with equally big eyes and a mop of golden curls."

Silly, but lovely. A bit like us :) 

My little shadow, my mini Choof (I could look at this picture for hours. There is something about your forlorn little face and your little hand on my leg. People may call me Choof but, first and foremost, I am Mummy and I'll always be just behind you baby, in case you need me.

So, my little Molly Mootle, there you have it. One day I can elaborate a little about why we are who we are in our funny little world but, for now, we just are.... 

I love you enormous amounts, as ever. Mummy x

"A little nonsense now and then, is cherished by the wisest men." ~ Roald Dahl

Dear Molly, who are we and where are we from?

I want you to know where I came from and therefore where you came from. History is so important. It is our DNA, in more than just biological terms. It's what makes us who we are. It influences where we are in the world and what we do. The people and places which make up our history are what creates our futures, in one way or another.

"I love not only you, but also your name and your numeral. After all, it's part of what you are." - Jennifer Cavalleri (Ali McGraw), Love Story (1970).

Last weekend we went to see your nana & grandad and found out a little bit more about our family history. I will piece it all together more comprehensively one day. I'd like to try anyway.

Grandad reading you a book that his parents read to him when he was your age

We had a lovely day together in Holt. We went to The Owl Tea Room for lunch and then we wandered round the shops and galleries picking up a few things and enjoying the town's quaint English charm. This is my favourite time of year to visit. Wrapped up warm, enjoying the town's famous (in Norfolk) Christmas lights, buying gifts and holding your little hand.

The church in Holt at night

We trudged back home to nana and grandad's to warm up. You were clutching your little bag of pick & mix sweets, eager to get home. You ran inside and snuggled up in your grandad's armchair and dived into your little paper bag. So happy.

I took the opportunity to rummage around in shoeboxes full of old photographs. There were lots of people I didn't know in photographs which your nana inherited when my nana died. I felt like I had made a new connection to my past by seeing images of my family that I hadn't seen before and by finding out a bit more about them.

I always knew that my mother's (your nana's) family came from France. I didn't know where though...and now I do! My great grandfather (your great great grandfather) Auguste Durand, was born on 16th December 1871 in Seurre in the Cote-d'Or, part of the Burgandy region of France.

I'd love to visit. This could be the beginning of an exciting new French chapter for us.....Maybe the north wind will take us there one day, like Vianne and Anouk in Chocolat.

"But still the clever north wind was not satisfied. It spoke to Vianne of towns yet to be visited..." - Joanne Harris, Chocolat

One day I will try to find out what brought Auguste Durand to England where he had a son who became my Grandad, Charles Durand (Charlie). 

One of my favourite finds of this weekend was this wonderful picture of my Nana and Grandad (Gladys and Charlie Durand) on their wedding day on April 16th 1938 outside Kensington Register Office where they married. They look so happy. It's humbling to think that had they never met and married, we would not be here today. They made a happy life for their children which taught them to do it for theirs and so on and so forth. They say that history repeats itself. To me that just means our children learn how to be, from their parents. So, whatever happens, it's important to do what makes you happy so that your happiness soaks into your children and lives on. We owe our families everything.

I feel that I owe it to you to teach you about your history. I want to show you where our family roots are to give you a sense of identity as you grow. I've still got lots to find out myself and hopefully we'll have lots of fun doing that together.

I love you, as always, Mummy x

"We all grow up with the weight of history on us. Our ancestors dwell in the attics of our brains as they do in the spiraling chains of knowledge hidden in every cell of our bodies." ~ Shirley Abbott

Dear Molly, today we went to the pantomime

Hi sweetheart. Today I took a rare day off work to take you to your very first pantomime with all of your little friends from school. I was pleased to meet Finton, Ruby, Sebastian, Florrie, Francesca, Jack, Jude and George. What lovely children and it was very sweet to see them all shouting your name and running over to see you. Hold onto your friends baby. They'll be important to you all through your life. Some will stay and some will go but each friendship is important so work hard at it and it will reward you. 

Very excited and ready to go!

Our pantomime was here, at the Theatre Royal in Bury St Edmunds...

...And it was Aladdin

Aladdin was a colourful, musical, funny and exotic adventure...

...which held your attention perfectly from start to finish

It was a wonderful show. Beautifully performed and a good mix of laughs for you with a lovely rendition of Hushabye Mountain for Mummy. You turned to me and whispered, on several occasions, that "this pantomime is really brilliant Mummy". It was though. You were right.

"So close your eyes on Hushabye Mountain

Wave good...bye to cares of the day

And watch your boat from Hushabye Mountain

Sail far away from Lullaby Bay."

We had lunch at The Brinkley Lion on our return and had a nice walk home afterwards. Our village is beautiful in autumn.

Kicking the autumn leaves

Me and my shadow on our street!

And when we got home we made some paper dolls because I'd promised you that we would...and you don't forget that stuff! You wanted me to show you how to make paper dolls "like the Mummy in my book does for her little girl Mummy!" you said. 

...And so, we did

"And the little girl grew...into a mother, who helped her own little girl make some paper dolls. They were Poppy and Pinkie and Binky the Blinkie and Fred with one eyebrow and Flo with a bow" ~ Paper Dolls, Julia Donaldson & Rebecca Cobb (2012)

I had fun today sweetheart and hope you did too. Lots of love, as always, Mummy x