"We can only look, behind from where we came...."

Today I have been more acutely aware of your advancing journey from being a baby to being a little girl. Your drawing has come on from just recognisable shapes to actual Father Christmas!

Your language is changing from the basic use of only the necessary words to, "my butterfly light catcher looks just so amazing Mummy" and, when I (clearly) won the race across The Brinkley Lion's carpark today you shouted, "we will see about this  Mummy" as you raced past me to the new finish line declaring, "better luck next time Mummy!" as you finished. Every day you sound more grown up and I don't see it happen. It's like trying to see a flower grow. 

In 2010, in your little Moses basket

This morning I watched you sing along to all of the words to Joni Mitchell's 'Circle Game'. 

I didn't know that you knew all the words but we've baked cakes, biscuits, quiches, jam tarts and all sorts of other things to Joni Mitchell for as long as you've been able to stand on a chair beside me. You call it "our baking music" and I am so happy that it has soaked into you. I know now that when you're older and you hear Joni Mitchell it will evoke memories of us. Her music will be woven into the tapestry of your being and will remain for ever. It's just how it works. 

You, today

"Yesterday a child came out to wonder

Caught a dragonfly inside a jar

Fearful when the sky was full of thunder

And tearful at the falling of a star

And the seasons they go round and round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We're captive on the carousel of time

We can't return we can only look

Behind from where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game...."

Night night sweetie.

You're 4!

You have changed so much in this past year. From a squishy toddler into a beautiful, caring, inquisitive and thoughtful little girl with the apparent wisdom of someone far beyond her 4 years. 4, I can't believe you're 4! Although I am painfully aware that I'll be saying, I can't believe you're 14 before I know it so here's me, capturing our lives in letters so as to cherish each stage for ever. 

We went to Cambridge today to spend your birthday money. You chose a Mr Men book, a story about a boy who befriends a whale...

 ...a marble run game...

..,and a little bag of gemstones and a yo-yo. I can't pinpoint it exactly but a combination of the city, the season, the sunshine and you made me so very happy today. 

Sitting on the wall together by the little round church in Cambridge, we ate our jelly beans

In the lift in the car park today you, as you always do, clung to my leg in case the lift light went out and you wouldn't be able to find me, in the 2ft by 2ft space! I put my hand reassuringly on the side of your face holding you close to me, as if to try and stamp my protective instinct into you, like pushing a coin into clay, leaving an imprint forever. You must remember though, no single person should ever be your everything. That's not to say "don't love," just don't forget to be there for yourself. Look after yourself. Always know how to make yourself happy. Be considerate to others and never stop caring. If you can do this I know you'll be just fine. And then so will I. 

Have fun being 4 sweetie.

“She made herself stronger by fighting with the wind.” ~ Frances Hodgson Burnett, The Secret Garden

"Is that a real pyramint Mummy?"

"Do you mean pyramid? 

"No Mummy, you're saying it wrong"

"But it's called a pyramid"

"I know Mummy, that's what I said" ~ Me and you, just now watching Despicable Me

The events that shape our lives

Today it was announced that Scotland has voted in a historic referendum in favour of remaining a part of our United Kingdom. History is made today, and every day.

When I was a little girl, like you, growing up, I enjoyed nothing more than a rummage around in our loft. Family possessions, cold, boxed and rarely seen. I loved that packaged history, up there in the roof of our house. I remember the smell, the cold, the boarded space and the solitary light bulb. 

One of my treasures in the loft was the wooden tea chests filled with historic newspapers collected by my mummy and daddy, your nana and grandad. Jubilees, wars won and lost, new Prime Ministers, old Prime Ministers, deaths, celebrations....the world, captured in print and kept for posterity. 

Me & my daddy c1978

On September 11th, 2001 something happened which changed the world, our world, forever. You are too young to begin to understand the motives behind the events of that day but you will learn about it one day and it's important that you do. 

And here begun my newspaper collection capturing the events that have shaped my life and kept for posterity, for you.

One day, I hope that you will rummage through my newspaper collection as I did my mummy and daddy's. Ask me what happened and I'll try to explain, as best I can. It's a complicated world but it's ours and you will get so much more from it if you take an interest and care. I know you will.

Me & you yesterday, whilst Scotland voted for its future

I love you baby. Sleep tight.

"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see." ~ Winston Churchill

Homeward bound

We got stuck in traffic on the way home today. Despite my best efforts on the car game front you fell asleep in your little chair with Right Bunny pushed up against your cheek.

Sitting on that road, with you in the back, I felt nostalgic. Heading back. Is home this way, or that? 

The A11 is the road in and out of Norfolk. It's been my route on holiday as a very little girl. And the route we came home again on. The road I took when we left Norfolk. The road I travel back down to see our friends and family. And the road that brings them to me. It is just a road but it's more than a road, to me. It takes me 'home' to my house. And it takes me back 'home' to my memories. 

This view has been the backdrop to so many of my journeys.

When I first made my journeys down this road, I didn't have you. Now you come too. I watched you in my mirror today, gazing out at the same views I have gazed at since I was your age. Norfolk is already staking it's claim over part of your being, as it has to mine. Your cousins are there, nanas, grandads, aunties, uncles and some of our very closest friends. "Your park from when you were little Mummy" is somewhere you ask to go to often. I carry this place in my words and actions and hopes and fears. It's engrained in me. Somewhere that means so much to me won't fail to be important to you. It just can't. 

We listened to this on the way home tonight. Sleep tight sweetie. 

"Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever gonna make it home again. It's so far and out of sight" ~ Carole King, Home Again (1971)