Almost 5!

On your last weekend before you turn 5, we have been to the circus, made pancakes, marshaled at your Parkrun, practiced your cycling, sung songs, been out for lunch and watched films. I am constantly amazed by how quickly my baby is growing up before my eyes. No longer a baby but a little person, grabbing hold of life with both hands and soaking it up. I love that your teddy is currently blindfolded so that you can arrange her surprise birthday party without her seeing. And that you thought your fishes may have been playing tag when one chased the other in the tank today. You are so kind and you always see the best in people (and fish).

My little girl is hurtling towards her 5th birthday bursting with new knowledge, wonderful friendships, more questions than you can imagine, determination, an exploding vocabulary, compassion, imagination, energy and so many dreams. At 4 years 11 months and 20-something days, you are my whole world. 

You have been the sweetest, funniest, kindest, most inquisitive little 4 year old and, whilst I am sad that this is the last time I'll write to you at 4, I cannot wait to meet my 5 year old daughter and see what adventures there are in store for her.

I love you, always x

"If you don't know where you are going any road can take you there" ~ Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Growing up

I have come to learn, and strongly believe, that having you no more makes me a parent than having a cello would make me a cellist. To me, being your parent is about the guidance, inspiration, protection and support that I try to provide to you every day. I have had to learn and to change and better myself in order to be the person that I want you to learn from, and will continue to do so. The biggest job I want to excel at is teaching you to get along without me. That's really difficult when you're 4 and you look to me for everything. Subtly and gently though, I want to show you that women are independent, strong, and healthy with views on the world and no limits on what they can do. If I achieve nothing else, I want that message to be ingrained in your soul.

Sometimes people can fall short of their dreams, not be who they want to be or deny themselves opportunities. Not through any deliberate actions but through other people's preconceived ideas of the world and how things, how we, should be. My promise to you is that I will try to give you the tools and environment that you need to become who you want to be and I won't ever smother you with my own ideals or standards. I might be wrong (I sometimes am!) but it seems to me that inspiration and the space for free expression are the most important things that I can give to you. As I see it, if I'm wrong about that, it's better than being wrong about telling you how and who to be.

The other day I found you crying proper tears on your own in the lounge. You told me that your pretend baby girl had eaten a magic apple and died. You've asked about death a lot lately and it is hard for me to see your pure little mind working through such a difficult subject. But, it is all part of your development and we talk and I listen. And I will continue to listen as you grow and want to know about the world around you.

The next morning you woke up with some "sad news." Apparently, "Bluey had been bitten by a lobster." You look for a reason to care for those around you and Bluey's distress at being bitten by a lobster meant that she needed you. I love that you wanted to be there for her.

Bluey

I know that I will play a part in giving you the strength to grow. I feel that most when I go to you at night. You are too scared to leave your room with it's butterfly fairly lights providing a safe glow. Then you put your soft little hand in mine and you march into that dark hallway with purpose. At the moment, my hand can protect you from the dark, from big dogs, from roads and from monsters. That makes me so very happy.  

Sweet dreams baby. 

In Cambridge on my birthday

"You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls." ~ J M Barrie, Peter Pan

Dear Molly, you'll grow up wanting to leave and, when you grow upyou'll want to go back

Today I went back to Cringleford, and I took you. This is where my childhood was and I was proud to show you to my village and my village to you. This place is entrenched in my soul. Not for any spectacular reason or because I'm eulogising about it where it's not due but because I grew into who I am today right there, in that normal little village. 

I felt like I was on a film set there today. Whilst pointing out to you what used to be our doctors' surgery, "for when you were poorly Mummy?" an elderly lady on a bench who I hadn't noticed turned to us and said, "hello sunshine" to you and asked me, "did you grow up here dear?" It felt poignant. I'm not sure why. 

We spent a couple of hours at, "your park from when you were small Mummy" and I felt right back at home. The trees, the air, the houses, so familiar. I wanted to wrap you into that feeling so that this wasn't a strange place to you. You ran around playing and proclaiming that "I love it here Mummy, it's lovely. I love your park from when you were small." That made me happy.

I sat on the hill watching you playing in the same little playhouse I used to sit in and resisted the urge to interrupt your chatter and play. I heard you serving fake tea to make-believe tea party goers and telling 'everyone' where they should be sitting. I think children need solitude sometimes and I try not to forget that and smother you with my ideas of how you should play. When you were ready you called me over to put you in the swing and push you "really, really high."

I have this wish, desire, belief that it's right, whatever you choose to call it to try and help you to understand your roots, where you came from and who you are. I hope that being somewhere that was such a big part of me will help that process.

I had a lovely morning with you and my park and you have been talking about "Mummy's park from when she was small" all afternoon so I hope it was more than just a trip to the swings for you. I have lots more places to show you but we've got plenty of time.

Thank you for today. I love you. Mummy x

Dear Molly....who's nearly 3

Sometimes a single event can change your life so profoundly that you can't quite remember what it was like before. You did that to me.

You are such a funny little girl and, as you will be three soon, I am writing to you to freeze frame some of my Molly who is two ("and half" as you proudly tell anyone who'll listen).

I don't want you to not be two anymore but I can't wait to watch you grow up. I want to see how you interpret the world and who you become. As your parent I face the eternal battle of my impatience for you to do new things versus my desire to stop time and keep you small. I want so much for you but am determined to influence by example and not by pushing you where I think you should go. Another of my own daily battles with myself.

Right Bunny is still a big part of your life. We still can't leave the house without her. You call her "my friend Right Bunny" and you really do love that scruffy pink rabbit. Your attachment to her is unbelievably strong. I have to clean her face when I do yours but if I try to feed her you call me silly and tell me that "Right Bunny's mouth doesnt open Mummy." You know she's not real yet you shower her with your very real human emotions. You earnestly look at me and ask if the people who love you also love Right Bunny and I love that that matters to you.

You walk up to other children in shops and at the park and you tell them your name and that your Mummy is over there. I love that you are proactively social. A quality that I want you to hold onto and take through childhood into adulthood. It will serve you well everywhere you go. You look to me for explanation when when other children don't reciprocate and it breaks my heart a little bit. It takes everything I have not to intervene and tell them to talk to my little girl. You will learn as much from rejection as you will from acceptance so I know it is important to stand back. It is reminiscant of when Joy and George Adamson had to watch Elsa holding her own against a wild lioness for the first time in Born Free....maybe not quite as dramatic, or dangerous.

Your ability to reason is coming along. When questioned as to why you might have just thrown a toy on the floor your stock answer is "that's why I did Mummy." It seems to work for most scenarios. "Come and jump in puddles Mummy. That's why it will be fun." The addition of "that's why" in a sentence satisfies you that you have explained yourself adequately. One day you'll realise that the world demands a little more. For now, that will do.

You are singing more and and more and I think my early over-exuberant delight at your little solo performances has led to your use of singing as a defensive weapon. If I get cross or upset, you sing a song and then look up at me expectantly before asking "are you happy now Mummy?" You're a bit tired now and you just shouted at me to let you have your strawberries in the lounge. I huffed a bit. You asked if I was happy. I said "no, because you shouted" and you said "oh please be happy Mummy. I love you" You are either a sensitive and lovely little girl or quite the manipulator. I think you may be a clever and wily mixture of the two.

I try to keep you safe, to help you grow and to give you an environment in which to develop your views and personality. I don't want to shield you from the world because I want you to grow up empathetic and caring about the people around you. Hold on to that visible desire you have now for everyone to be happy and safe. It's a lovely quality.

See you in the morning.

Lots of love, Mummy xxx

"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." ~ C S Lewis