1 May 2018

The ties that bind us

Dear Molly,

We’ve grown together in this last year. It has not always felt easy for me. Mostly, I have been overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by anxiety, optimism, fear but mostly, by love. The ties that bind us, you and me, are the ties which have held me together.

You, me and a blurry Penny cat 🐱

I have written to you less over this past year. We have been working through things together. I have watched and experienced you transitioning into a beautiful young girl who is now very aware of the feelings of the adults around her. As a result of this I try to find a balance between sharing my life with you and shielding you from my chaos. I may not always get it right. Sometimes you know me better than I know myself but just know that I always try.

You are maturing before my eyes and I, now, even more than before, cherish your every touch, the feel of your hand in mine, your urgent hug when you bounce to me like you’re on elastic and cling on like a baby monkey, your need to be close to me, the smell of the top of your head and the weight of your seven year old self, cuddled up on my lap. I know that you won’t always need me in the same way as you do now, so I make time for you and I hold onto all of those moments.

I knew before, but I know now that I will never know a love like ours again. Our ties will loosen and tighten with the ebbs and flows of life but they are strong and they are rooted in our souls. You are a part of me, growing and maturing separately to me, but linked to me forever. I love you sweetheart. 

After school bike rides 

“It’s because we’re the same Mummy”

2 January 2018

Ballycastle - 2017

I went on this trip without you. Whilst you are away, I will always try to be happy, to fix and to strengthen myself, for you, for us, for our family. Here’s where I went at the end of 2017. I will take you one day, I promise. 

Along The Causeway Coastal Route from Ballycastle 

So, between my past year and this new one sat Ballycastle, in Northern Ireland, on its rocky, green and dramatic coastline. Enchanting, restorative, refreshing and, somewhat mythical this place enveloped me. Despite its huge waves crashing violently on craggy, rocky outcrops, its wild wind combing the surrounding grasses flat and bringing with it the driving December rain and sleet, to me, for me, it was calm. 

Arriving at night time the sky was colbat blue, mixed with a generous blob of ivory black - you know how we mix the acrylics to get the right colour? It’s darkness was untouched by city lights or pollution. The moon was highlighting a smattering of cloud edges in a small cluster. The light was swallowed by the night as your eyes moved from where the moon hung. The lighthouse in the distance was lighting a path and, just as quickly, throwing it back into freezing cold darkness. Rathlin Island, across the water, was a foreboding dark silhouette against the sky. Barely visible lights from the sparsely populated island’s homes blinked weakly through the winter air, across to where we stood. 

The sea dominated all. The deep swell pushing up huge, roaring, rolling and crashing waves. The cold, dark blackness of the sea’s surface was broken, like a cracked sheet of ice, by light, scattered all over by the rise and the fall of the waves. Transient yet constant, the waves kept coming. Rising, breaking, falling until they crashed heavily onto the black shiny rocks at our shore. 

The wind and the waves played a song that night and somewhere between that time and that place, I breathed deeply in the cold night air and tried to find me again. 

The beauty of this place is hard to convey. We will go one day. There was so much more to see and I’ll tell you all about the rest of the trip another time sweetheart. Sleep tight for now, it’s late. I love you.

Mummy xxx

Winter 2017 - at home in Brinkley xx

20 August 2017

Life's a journey ~ Cornwall 2017

Hi baby,

This month, we went on holiday to Cornwall. It was the holiday that we nearly didn't go on, and I will be eternally grateful that we did. Just you and me. 

We packed up our car and set off on our adventure to our Tiny House in the corner of a cows' field, overlooking the most beautiful green valley and the sea. 

When we arrived, all reservations about the size and remoteness fell away. It was perfect. Our own Little House on the Prairie, in a field in Cornwall. We used every one of our seven days to explore and make memories. We visited Tintagel Castle....

The Eden Project....

The Lost Gardens of Heligan....

Launceston Steam Railway.... 

Clovely on Lifeboat Day....

Bude's beaches....

and Tamar Otter and Wildlife Centre (this is not an otter 😂)....

We had a great time at all of these places but my favourite times were our evenings in our Tiny House, just you and me. 

This holiday was so important for us. We were a million miles away from the world in our Tiny House. The wind blew in from the sea and whistled around our little house and it made it even cosier and happier inside. We sang, we danced, we read and we watched the sun set together. I was overflowing with love for you as you played King Arthur, coloured your pictures, read your new Railway Rabbits book and ran around our field, free and happy. Soon it will be time for new adventures. Please always remember this holiday and, if it fades a little, as memories do, just read this post and remember again 💜

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory" ~ Dr Seuss

9 July 2017

An old soul

I will look back on this time and I will forever cherish our indescribable bond. You, my little six year old ball of love, support, questions, tears, laughter and joy, are my absolute everything.

You sleep by my side, you snuggle all the time, you touch my arm to let me know you are there. I will always be your safe place to fall, your sanctuary and, right now, you are mine. 

Today, you asked me if I could buy a photo album to make albums of our adventures together. Someone once told me that you were an old soul. I see that everyday and am eternally grateful. Your depth of spirit, empathy and feeling goes way beyond your tender years. 

Right now, we plan adventures, go on evening walks and we lay together in the grass and watch the late afternoon sun shining through the treetops. I want to hold time and remember this forever. 

I love you eternally x

"A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend"