I write to you less these days. I tend to wait until I feel it all brimming over, which it is right now.
We are two weeks away from Mummy and Kevin getting married. We have lived through a global pandemic. You are growing up before my eyes and I want to write, to keep this snapshot of our lives, here in 2021, on record forever.
With the wedding only two weeks away, I feel like our lives and past are playing out, constantly, in my head. I was driving home from the school run today and an old song came on. It triggered a slow-motion, home video style, memory of me playing in the street with my friends as a child. My memories with you are playing on repeat and my dreams are vivid.
New beginnings have always been happy and sad for me. I have always felt emotionally attached to our lives as they are. I even find it difficult to even throw away something that has been on the side in the kitchen for a few months. Even losing a negative element from my life, and gaining a positive one, is difficult for me. You have a lot of that in you, but you are leaning back from it as you grow up, and I will encourage that. Not to lose it, just to cut a few of the threads to make it a little more comfortable. It has always felt like a heavy emotion for me.
The future is really exciting, and through these days leading up to the big day, my instinct is to hold you so very close to me. It is so strong that I imagine binding your body to mine. You are my insides, living alongside me, and I need you like I need to breathe. I will never lean heavily on you, but you will always know how much I love you.
Overwhelmingly I want to be at home, to play outside with you, to talk to you, to hug you, to share with you and to listen to you. Your chatter is so mature at the moment. You want to achive high standards in all that you do. Yesterday, I said that “practice makes perfect” and you replied, “no one is perfect Mummy. Practice makes progress.” I mean, seriously, when did my child get so wise? Although, you were crying at not being able to do the monkey bars at the park at the time. You went from not being able to even hang from the bars to doing two of them that day. That was the “progress” you referred to and I was as proud of you then as I was when you aced your maths tests. Please don't be too hard on yourself. It is a blessing and a curse. Be as kind to yourself as you are to everyone else, that is all I ask.
My wish for the next two weeks is to enjoy your company and to soak up as much of my little girl as I can. It is just something I want to do. And then, on our wedding day, I will have you by my side, where we can make our memories, as a family, to last forever.
I am so excited for our future. I can not wait to support you to become who you will become, to enjoy our family life and to love you forever. Life has had a way of laying out our path for us. Sometimes it is overgrown and sometimes it is clear. We just have to hold each other’s hand, and walk together. We will be ok my love. I know we will.
I love you eternally.
“Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien
