19 February 2015

Growing up

I have come to learn, and strongly believe, that having you no more makes me a parent than having a cello would make me a cellist. To me, being your parent is about the guidance, inspiration, protection and support that I try to provide to you every day. I have had to learn and to change and better myself in order to be the person that I want you to learn from, and will continue to do so. The biggest job I want to excel at is teaching you to get along without me. That's really difficult when you're 4 and you look to me for everything. Subtly and gently though, I want to show you that women are independent, strong, and healthy with views on the world and no limits on what they can do. If I achieve nothing else, I want that message to be ingrained in your soul.
Sometimes people can fall short of their dreams, not be who they want to be or deny themselves opportunities. Not through any deliberate actions but through other people's preconceived ideas of the world and how things, how we, should be. My promise to you is that I will try to give you the tools and environment that you need to become who you want to be and I won't ever smother you with my own ideals or standards. I might be wrong (I sometimes am!) but it seems to me that inspiration and the space for free expression are the most important things that I can give to you. As I see it, if I'm wrong about that, it's better than being wrong about telling you how and who to be.
The other day I found you crying proper tears on your own in the lounge. You told me that your pretend baby girl had eaten a magic apple and died. You've asked about death a lot lately and it is hard for me to see your pure little mind working through such a difficult subject. But, it is all part of your development and we talk and I listen. And I will continue to listen as you grow and want to know about the world around you.

The next morning you woke up with some "sad news." Apparently, "Bluey had been bitten by a lobster." You look for a reason to care for those around you and Bluey's distress at being bitten by a lobster meant that she needed you. I love that you wanted to be there for her.

I know that I will play a part in giving you the strength to grow. I feel that most when I go to you at night. You are too scared to leave your room with it's butterfly fairly lights providing a safe glow. Then you put your soft little hand in mine and you march into that dark hallway with purpose. At the moment, my hand can protect you from the dark, from big dogs, from roads and from monsters. That makes me so very happy.  

Sweet dreams baby. 

In Cambridge on my birthday

"You need not be sorry for her. She was one of the kind that likes to grow up. In the end she grew up of her own free will a day quicker than the other girls." ~ J M Barrie, Peter Pan

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