Life is tough, but so are you.....

I am 39 years old. I've never been confident about my body or my physical abilities. I've never been sporty. I've never owned a bikini. I was never good at PE and it's the only part of school that I look back on and remember, as clear as day, that all-consuming feeling of inadequacy. That was just me. 

In 2011 something else happened to me. Your thyroid is a tiny little gland which plays a huge role in how your body functions. It regulates your metabolism and without it you gain weight and feel sluggish and fatigued. The thyroid gland also controls the chemical messengers that your brain uses to communicate with your nerves. Without it the messengers go all over the place leading to depression and anxiety. Sometimes the thyroid gland slows down. Mine is defunct. Completely gone. No thyroid function at all. 

Me in 2011

So here I am in 2016. With some determination of my own and a lot of help and support from the wonderful people around me, I now cycle, I run, I go to the gym, I eat healthily and more importantly, I'm happy and confident. I've filled that void. The one that grew and consumed me in young adulthood.

I sometimes feel judged for the choices that I make now. It's a funny thing. I find that really hard but I put it all out there for the sake of the stronger feelings. The positive ones. On top of combating all of my symptoms of Hypothyroidism and actually getting good at lifting weights, running and cycling, I can also help others. I can help friends who feel like I did. I can encourage the struggling nine year old girl who thinks she can't do it at Parkrun to run to the finish with us. I can help all of those people who think that they can't do it, or don't know how to. I can show the nervous new girl at the gym how to do a dead lift. 

Most of all though, I can give everything I have to being a role model for you. You run because I run and your competitive spirit is fierce. You are determined and brilliant and I want to keep fuelling that for as long as I can. If I don't believe in myself then you won't believe in yourself. If I reach for the stars, then you will too. You can do whatever you want to sweetheart and, as I have learnt along the way, so can I. 

You completed your 21st Junior Parkrun today. You finally got your marathon wristband baby x 

"Though she be but little, she is fierce!" ~ William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream

Parkrun #2

Last week you ran your first junior Parkrun at age 4. The youngest in a 4-14 age category you ran all the way round the 2km to the finish line. I cried, happy tears. So proud of you. My Talipes baby. 

Last week at the finish line

This week was a different kettle of fish! 3/4 of a km in you took a roly poly tumble and cut your knee. Clearly in pain you said you wanted to run on but after the 1km mark you had to stop. 

There were tears. I was devestated. A combination of you falling on the fun downhill where you like to put your hands in the air and shout "weeee", your disappointment at not finishing and your little hurt knee. All of that rendered Mummy useless at helping you through it all. Practical Mummy with the good advice, she wasn't there. Sniffy rubbish Mummy, she was. I feel your disappointment tenfold and I'm pretty useless at dealing with it. 

Still, a cuddle and an icecream later and all you wanted to do was limp over to the route and run the last km with Mummy. I told you you'd done 1km which was still pretty good but you sniffed that it wasn't 2. So, we ran the route together, on our own, and my determined little girl ran all the way to the finish. 

Of course I want you to be successful but more than anything in the world I want you to keep a tight hold of that steely determination that I saw today. "I didn't give up, did I Mummy?" I cried again. I am so proud of you sweetie. 

Quick stop for a swig of water...

....and to tell me to keep up

Finished! 

What I have learnt today is that things have to go wrong for us to learn how to be stronger. Without pain and failure we have nothing to overcome and learn from. Today you surprised me with your strength. My cautious and careful little girl is also quite brave and determined. 

"Here's to strong women. May we know them. May we be them. May we raise them" ~ Unknown

I love you.

My fitness journey....

As you go through life, everyone will tell you, exercise is healthy, eat well, don't drink too much alcohol, don't smoke....I'll say all that stuff to you. I'm your Mummy, it's what we do. 

You'll probably ignore me. You're a kid, that's what you do! So, I want to tell you what journey your Mummy has been on in the last year or so. There are some reasons (I have 5 for you) to listen to some of that stuff and to live a bit more healthily. Real reasons. Not just because everyone says so. 

In the last year I have focused on health and fitness in a way that I never have done before. I eat well and pay attention to nutrition. I've (almost) completely cut out alcohol. I sleep well and train hard. Here's why it's been so amazing... 

1. I have, literally, never felt good about myself. At 37, I do now. That should be reason enough but I did promise 5.

2. I have met some wonderful people who have inspired me to aim higher, to push myself, to do good, to never say "I don't have time." Brilliant Mums who work full-time and still make time to improve themselves & stay healthy. People who want to help others to improve and are always sharing and teaching. Young people with motivation and drive. People who inspire others and work together. People I'm proud to know. 

3. This is a girly one and it sounds shallow but it makes me happy. I have always loved fashion, but on other people. I can finally enjoy it on me. It is a big motivation to stay strong and keep training hard. I just keep my eye on the dresses!

“Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening.” ~ Coco Chanel

4. I love the improvement and gains I've made and continue to make. Physically I see changes every day. I'm stronger, leaner and so much fitter than I was. A year ago I could only just bike 2 miles, couldn't move a 10kg weight and couldn't do a press up for toffee. Now I've completed a 100 mile hilly sportive, I train at the gym 3 times a week, I can do 20 proper press-ups and I do 5k runs for fun! 

Post 5k Parkrun cuddle

5. I feel more alive than I have in years. I do this for me, for those 4 reasons above. But I also do it for you. To inspire you to push yourself and to show you that it's normal for girls to run, cycle and lift weights. I love the interest you show in everything I do and want to channel and nurture that interest for as long as you'll listen to me!

With your toilet roll dumbells!

This weekend I'm running a 5km Spartan Race with some of the people I've mentioned above. I am terrified and excited in equal measures. We'll get round, one way or another, and I'm proud of the whole team already. Wish Mummy luck darling. I think she'll need it!

“A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise.” ~ A A Milne, Winnie the Pooh

My Journey on Two Wheels

Well, it is 2014 and your Mummy has changed quite a bit over the past 12 months. After I had you my Thyroid (a strange but, seemingly, important gland which controls, I've learnt, pretty much everything) broke. I got fat and I wasn't very happy for a while. I had also made it all the way to 35 without ever having done any exercise. That was just me. I didn't like sport. I liked fashion, literature and art. But I suddenly realised that almost as much as I liked those things, I also didn't like being fat.

So, I went on a diet and lost a bit of weight (which I'd done before) but it was hard and boring and unsustainable. It wasn't going to change a lifetime of feeling fat and not moving more than I needed to. Your Daddy was pretty keen on cycling. I was mildly interested in the Tour de France and loved the Giro D'Italia (mainly because I love Italy, but the cycling was creeping into my psyche as well).

2009 Giro D'Italia

So, about a year ago, I got a pretty blue Pendleton and started pootling around our village. I just needed a bunch of gerberas in my basket and the image would be complete! On my first time out I did 1.5 miles and nearly passed out. After about a week, heart rate back to normal and I was good to go again. After that I went out a few times a week, scared of roads..and cars..and pigeons..and combine harvesters..and very unfit. I worked up to about 5 miles involving going 4 times around the block and sometimes venturing to the edges of the village, where the hills began, and then turning around and coming home again.

Me & my Pendleton, Summer 2013

Then you and Daddy went out and got me a Giant road bike as a surprise. Your little face was a picture as you shook with excitement and told me you had something to show me. Things had got serious. No basket for gerberas on this machine, although I still think that may work....

I bought myself a turbo trainer to try and get fitter as the nights drew in and winter arrived. I built up from 5 miles to 10 miles and learnt interval training techniques from the 3LC Road Race DVD. My fitness had increased so much that I managed to complete the DVD (in a sea of sweat and tears) which was quite some achievement, for an ex-fat girl who hated all sport.

Me & you after a hard turbo training session, Feb 2014

Then at Christmas time we went for a ride around where I grew up in Norwich. I managed 20 miles. 20 MILES! ME?! I felt a huge sense of achievement. I am still doing the turbo training and toying with entering the Newmarket Hilly 100 event in the summer. I am not sure if that isn't a little ambitious but we all need goals! I took a very rare day off work this week to try and cycle a hilly 50 mile route to see how I got on. Your Daddy came with me to make sure I didn't die (or get lost which was more likely). It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done (apart from giving birth to you!) but I did it. I was nearly sick on two hills and got over emotional and nearly cried at the end but....I wasn't actually sick and didn't actually cry so, all in all, a success. I (and everyone who knows me) would never have believed it would have been possible.

My constant motivation

So, you might say that cycling has changed my life. It has certainly changed my health and fitness. I have a new respect for professional cyclists. The hard work, dedication, motivation and discipline that they have to have in bucketloads to do what they do is inspirational. I am going to work hard to try and do the 100 mile event. If not this year....maybe next year....and I look forward to the day when you will be able to ride along beside me, with flowers in your basket. 

Before my epic 50 miler this week 

I love you always.