What's happening to me?

Here I recall when everything went a bit weird, and why.

I was utterly convinced that I'd give birth and be one of those women who still looked pregnant, forever. I'm not lucky when it comes to how I look and I have to try quite hard to look nice so I was sure I'd probably quadruple in size in pregnancy and never revert to normal. You can, therefore, imagine my surprise and delight when my beautiful baby was born and I was back to my pre-pregnancy size. Not skinny, because I never was, but I hadn't quadrupled in size and I hadn't morphed into a weird Mr Blobby shaped version of myself. That was all I could have hoped for.

Unfortunately the delight at not being permanently huge was short lived because now I had to work out how to keep this little human alive. No plump faced, homely, warm smiled apparition of a fairy godmother appeared to tell me how on earth to do this so I had to work it out myself. Somehow, despite the lack of apparition, I managed. We bumped along together, Molly working out the world around her and me working out her.

When Molly was 5 months old I went back to work. After a few tears, at the thought of my baby wondering where I'd gone and me not being able to explain to her, I settled back into work with minimal upheaval. I likened that bit to the uncanny ability of a situation such as animals being lead into a truck to go to slaughter, or a dog to the vets, or a child for vaccinations to reduce me to tears without fail. I am just not programmed to deal with another person or animal thinking everything's ok and as it was, when it isn't. It really gets to me. This felt like that.

As we all adapted to our new regime I became less and less able to cope with everyday stuff, with life. I was putting on loads of weight, couldn't stay awake and could not stop crying. With the 'able' assistance of Google I managed to persuade myself I had postnatal depression. Or was it anaemia? I'm always anaemic. That makes me tired and cold. Not fat though. Shit, was I eating too much because I was cold and tired. Or was it postnatal depression? Depression, really? I've heard that can make you fat. But I am one of those people who don't believe in depression, for me anyway. I am not denying it in others. I just don't get depressed. I get on with stuff. It's what I do. Anyway, I wasn't right so I went to the doctors. Something else I never do. 

The NHS website will tell you that 'An underactive thyroid means your thyroid gland, located in the neck, does not produce enough hormones. Common signs of an underactive thyroid are tiredness, weight gain and feeling depressed.' Why did nobody tell me? Textbook broken thyroid. Phew. I had armed myself with every possible defence I could in case he tried to put me on anti-depressants but luckily he, being a doctor, was able to spot a very obvious textbook condition. The relief swelled up around me and washed away all my irrational fears that motherhood had somehow broken me. I could go back to working out how to help my baby to grow, to be happy and to discover the world around her, which was what I was trying to do when it all went weird.

Just over 2 years in and I am much better on medication which replaces the hormone that my thyroid gland can't be bothered to produce anymore. It needs tweaking from time to time because it is a hormone issue and the body is constantly chucking in curve balls to mess with the hormones therefore you can't assume that the levels of the drugs will stay correct. I still fall asleep a lot and get fat easily and, apparently, I am allowed to blame the Hypothyroidism but I have to make sure that I balance that with the effects of working too hard and eating too much. Other afflictions of mine.   

Mums on the run!

Sometimes it feels like I am falling through life and some of the people I pass make contact and stick and others don't get close enough and fade back into memory. The ones that stick are my friends. The ones that, for whatever reason, have become the people I share my life with. The people I bump along with sharing good times, hard times, trying times and just time. I like making my friends happy and I try not to annoy them and I think those are the ingredients for friendships that can stand the test of time. Only time can prove or disprove that one.

So, in my eternal quest for happy friends and a happy me I planned to to take one of them to London for her birthday. As I have got older, and since we both had children, I have favoured experiences over gifts. There is something much more important about building memories with the people close to you than just buying them another scarf.

We got into London just before midday. We had a lovely sunny stroll from the underground to Bankside past St Paul's Cathedral. St Paul's is an iconic, religious symbol of London. To some it is synonomous with royal weddings, to me it's Mary Poppins.

Time for a coffee outside Tate Modern watching the world go by. At that moment in time the world consisted of a man with a microphone talking about writing, a man with a string loop on sticks making massive misshapen bubbles, a gold man posing as a statue and an American Dad failing to point out St Paul's across the river to his disinterested kids.

Next we wandered round the collections in Tate Modern. Some amazing works, some famous works and some which remained a mystery to our untrained eyes. Louisa had a couple of giggling fits at people earnestly searching for the meaning of an art installation that we thought was part of the building! Based in the former Bankside Power Station, the building itself  is an integral part of the whole experience. It's vast amazing spaces are a perfect backdrop to the subject matter.

We had lunch at The Swan Bar & Chophouse at Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. It was perfectly balanced. Informal but civilised. Light and airy with a warm atmosphere. Busy but sociable with a long sharing table which encouraged light interaction with other diners, but only if you wanted it.

After lunch, a boat trip down the Thames to Millbank, past the London Eye and Westminster, was the best way to travel to Tate Britain. We had a look around the public collection there, the Pre-Raphaelite works taking me, as always, back to age 17 and my sixth form art class. Sun streaming through the open window, the smell of linseed oil hanging in the air and where I first began to understand these amazing works and why the movement happened.

Then we had time for a glass of wine in the shady gardens of the gallery surrounded by trees and pink roses. 

We finished our day with Lowry at the Tate. The exhibition we'd built our day on. I'm not an art critic, or even close to it, but I have always loved Lowry. To fully understand that love you need to be aware of my weird longing for 'the industrial north'. Moors, valleys, mining towns, rows of terraced houses. The irreducible spirit of people and families juxtaposed against the cold, hard reality of industry and of bleak landscapes is real and beautiful to me. Lowry painted everyday life depicted against that immediate, imposing backdrop of heavy industry and captured poverty, pain, anguish, love and resilience in his work.

Why do I have this affinity with the north of England? It might be my love of the Brontes and their haunting descriptions of wild moors and harsh conditions, or my childhood memories of meandering canal holidays through rolling countryside interspersed with the industrial centres of northern cities or The Railway Children. A childhood favourite of mine which captures the essence of being a child perfectly....and is set in Yorkshire. Or, most likely, it is a combination of all these things. The exhibition was everything I hoped it would be and rounded our day off perfectly.

So that was our day. Another memory formed rather than another scarf on the scarf hook and, best of all, the Dads didn't kill the kids!

"The most important thing in life is family. Sometimes it's the family you're born into and sometimes it's the one you make for yourself" 

Dear Molly, the cinema can be a little bit scary...

Today I took you to the cinema for the first time ever. I feel like I might have deprived you by not taking you sooner. More truthfully I think that I feel like other people might think that. I often feel like the world is judging me. Are they? I think most parents wonder about this from time to time.

You looked so perfectly small and overwhelmed in your big seat

I don't want you to ever stop being overwhelmed sweetheart. I won't flood you with all the experiences life has to offer you too quickly. The world has so much in store for you and you really don't need to do it all at once. I couldn't bear it if the little things you love became so commonplace that you were no longer amazed or excited by them.

You were definitely overwhelmed here!

You were a bit scared during the film. Maybe scary snow monsters in 3D was a little ambitious for my sensitive little girl. A strategically placed Right Bunny over one eye and the comfort of Mummy's arms saw you through the scary bits. You were very brave although when the wolves appeared you did turn to me and ask, very politely, "could we go home now Mummy please?" You carried on watching but your little body felt tense. I'm not sure you trusted that those wolves wouldn't be back. I know that, as your parent, I should be toughening you up and not shielding you from the world but, at the same time, I want to preserve your delicate nature. I never want you to become desensitised to the things which scare you or touch you in some way. Being frightened for the safety of the characters in a film shows me your capacity to care and, I've said it before but that is such an important quality baby. Don't ever lose it. 

I love absolutely every fibre of your little being and my sole aim is to provide you with an environment which promotes the growth and development of everything you are...including some gentle introductions to scary things!

See you in the morning sweetheart. All my love, Mummy x

"Fear makes us feel our humanity" ~ Benjamin Disraeli (1804-1881)

Dear Molly, today we went to the pantomime

Hi sweetheart. Today I took a rare day off work to take you to your very first pantomime with all of your little friends from school. I was pleased to meet Finton, Ruby, Sebastian, Florrie, Francesca, Jack, Jude and George. What lovely children and it was very sweet to see them all shouting your name and running over to see you. Hold onto your friends baby. They'll be important to you all through your life. Some will stay and some will go but each friendship is important so work hard at it and it will reward you. 

Very excited and ready to go!

Our pantomime was here, at the Theatre Royal in Bury St Edmunds...

...And it was Aladdin

Aladdin was a colourful, musical, funny and exotic adventure...

...which held your attention perfectly from start to finish

It was a wonderful show. Beautifully performed and a good mix of laughs for you with a lovely rendition of Hushabye Mountain for Mummy. You turned to me and whispered, on several occasions, that "this pantomime is really brilliant Mummy". It was though. You were right.

"So close your eyes on Hushabye Mountain

Wave good...bye to cares of the day

And watch your boat from Hushabye Mountain

Sail far away from Lullaby Bay."

We had lunch at The Brinkley Lion on our return and had a nice walk home afterwards. Our village is beautiful in autumn.

Kicking the autumn leaves

Me and my shadow on our street!

And when we got home we made some paper dolls because I'd promised you that we would...and you don't forget that stuff! You wanted me to show you how to make paper dolls "like the Mummy in my book does for her little girl Mummy!" you said. 

...And so, we did

"And the little girl grew...into a mother, who helped her own little girl make some paper dolls. They were Poppy and Pinkie and Binky the Blinkie and Fred with one eyebrow and Flo with a bow" ~ Paper Dolls, Julia Donaldson & Rebecca Cobb (2012)

I had fun today sweetheart and hope you did too. Lots of love, as always, Mummy x