Dear Molly, you'll grow up wanting to leave and, when you grow upyou'll want to go back

Today I went back to Cringleford, and I took you. This is where my childhood was and I was proud to show you to my village and my village to you. This place is entrenched in my soul. Not for any spectacular reason or because I'm eulogising about it where it's not due but because I grew into who I am today right there, in that normal little village. 

I felt like I was on a film set there today. Whilst pointing out to you what used to be our doctors' surgery, "for when you were poorly Mummy?" an elderly lady on a bench who I hadn't noticed turned to us and said, "hello sunshine" to you and asked me, "did you grow up here dear?" It felt poignant. I'm not sure why. 

We spent a couple of hours at, "your park from when you were small Mummy" and I felt right back at home. The trees, the air, the houses, so familiar. I wanted to wrap you into that feeling so that this wasn't a strange place to you. You ran around playing and proclaiming that "I love it here Mummy, it's lovely. I love your park from when you were small." That made me happy.

I sat on the hill watching you playing in the same little playhouse I used to sit in and resisted the urge to interrupt your chatter and play. I heard you serving fake tea to make-believe tea party goers and telling 'everyone' where they should be sitting. I think children need solitude sometimes and I try not to forget that and smother you with my ideas of how you should play. When you were ready you called me over to put you in the swing and push you "really, really high."

I have this wish, desire, belief that it's right, whatever you choose to call it to try and help you to understand your roots, where you came from and who you are. I hope that being somewhere that was such a big part of me will help that process.

I had a lovely morning with you and my park and you have been talking about "Mummy's park from when she was small" all afternoon so I hope it was more than just a trip to the swings for you. I have lots more places to show you but we've got plenty of time.

Thank you for today. I love you. Mummy x

Dear Molly.....

All parents have a bond with their children. It's not a new concept but it is incredible. Sometimes it feels to me like your umbilical cord was never cut. I feel your emotions like they're happening to me. I wonder how nature does that? You climbed the slide at the park the other day to show the "big girls" how well you can slide down and they'd walked off before you got to the top of the slide's ladder. I think I felt your disappointment more strongly than you did. Feeling a child's disappointment, sadness and fear seems to be an affliction parents have to live with so I'll try and get used to it. I'll also get used to the paradox I feel in loving you so much and wanting to keep you close whilst knowing my role is to help you to be independent. Another parental challenge to rationalise and deal with. There are a lot of those. 

It's weird, I can cope with you physically hurting yourself more easily than I can when you are emotionally hurt. The day we left Right Bunny at a friends' house I sobbed with you through those horrible 20 minutes when you thought you'd never see her again. I hate it when people who aren't my own child are disappointed so I guess it was always going to be harder with you. 

You, Right Bunny & me, safely together

In contrast, I love how happy I can make you. I do hope that I can continue to do that as you get bigger. I appreciate it might get harder as your tastes become more sophisticated and I wont be able to make you ecstatic with some paper cups that you've never seen before and that you can fill with gravel. I have three pretty tins in my room to keep things in. You've always played with them and the other day I let you have the smallest one for your things in your room. Your little face lit up. You let out a big gasp and said "really Mummy?" You were so delighted and you have chosen to keep these things in it: your Lucy lobster which Grandad brought you in Sheringham, your silver heart necklace which our friends gave you, your bracelet which your Great Grandad gave you when you were born, your 'I've explored Skipton Castle' badge and a crayon. It took you a while to decide where to keep your tin. After much deliberation you have put it in pride of place next to your books and in front of your lion bookend. You declared that "it looks really good there Mummy". I agreed.

I occasionally have pangs of guilt that I don't do more sums with you. We don't own any flash cards. I havent made you recite your alphabet and I never bought those expensive language DVDs that I meant to buy. But then I remember, you can sing entire songs so you'll easily remember the alphabet when you have to. You know how many strawberries you have left, or how many carrots have grown in your garden, or how many sandwiches you require for your make-believe tea party so when the time comes that you need to subtract one from the other, I know you'll get it. I want you to enjoy your childhood, learn about the world and all the people in it, be inspired and to naturally develop your interests. There will be plenty of time for being academic and I know you're bright and will be ok. 

More than anything I want you to want to experience and appreciate everything around you. Yesterday you saw your first hot air balloon. Open mouthed and amazed you stared at it as it floated across the sky over our garden. "Wow, Mummy. It's so colourful and big and high. Maybe one day I could go in a hot air balloon with you Mummy....maybe?" I welled up a bit and hugged you.

Tonight you said "sorry Mummy that you can't play on my Scuttlebug because it is too small for you" and then you hugged me and looked up at me and said "don't worry Mummy. You can play with something else" You thought I was sad and wanted to change that. I do chirp on about it but your kindness makes me so happy and is not something I have to bring out of you. It's just there. Just the way it should be.

You're asleep in your little bed now so, sweet dreams darling. Lots of love, as always, Mummy x

“Well, anyway, when I grow up, I'm always going to talk to little girls as if they were, too, and I'll never laugh when they use big words.” ~ L M Montgomery (Anne of Green Gables)

Dear Molly....who's nearly 3

Sometimes a single event can change your life so profoundly that you can't quite remember what it was like before. You did that to me.

You are such a funny little girl and, as you will be three soon, I am writing to you to freeze frame some of my Molly who is two ("and half" as you proudly tell anyone who'll listen).

I don't want you to not be two anymore but I can't wait to watch you grow up. I want to see how you interpret the world and who you become. As your parent I face the eternal battle of my impatience for you to do new things versus my desire to stop time and keep you small. I want so much for you but am determined to influence by example and not by pushing you where I think you should go. Another of my own daily battles with myself.

Right Bunny is still a big part of your life. We still can't leave the house without her. You call her "my friend Right Bunny" and you really do love that scruffy pink rabbit. Your attachment to her is unbelievably strong. I have to clean her face when I do yours but if I try to feed her you call me silly and tell me that "Right Bunny's mouth doesnt open Mummy." You know she's not real yet you shower her with your very real human emotions. You earnestly look at me and ask if the people who love you also love Right Bunny and I love that that matters to you.

You walk up to other children in shops and at the park and you tell them your name and that your Mummy is over there. I love that you are proactively social. A quality that I want you to hold onto and take through childhood into adulthood. It will serve you well everywhere you go. You look to me for explanation when when other children don't reciprocate and it breaks my heart a little bit. It takes everything I have not to intervene and tell them to talk to my little girl. You will learn as much from rejection as you will from acceptance so I know it is important to stand back. It is reminiscant of when Joy and George Adamson had to watch Elsa holding her own against a wild lioness for the first time in Born Free....maybe not quite as dramatic, or dangerous.

Your ability to reason is coming along. When questioned as to why you might have just thrown a toy on the floor your stock answer is "that's why I did Mummy." It seems to work for most scenarios. "Come and jump in puddles Mummy. That's why it will be fun." The addition of "that's why" in a sentence satisfies you that you have explained yourself adequately. One day you'll realise that the world demands a little more. For now, that will do.

You are singing more and and more and I think my early over-exuberant delight at your little solo performances has led to your use of singing as a defensive weapon. If I get cross or upset, you sing a song and then look up at me expectantly before asking "are you happy now Mummy?" You're a bit tired now and you just shouted at me to let you have your strawberries in the lounge. I huffed a bit. You asked if I was happy. I said "no, because you shouted" and you said "oh please be happy Mummy. I love you" You are either a sensitive and lovely little girl or quite the manipulator. I think you may be a clever and wily mixture of the two.

I try to keep you safe, to help you grow and to give you an environment in which to develop your views and personality. I don't want to shield you from the world because I want you to grow up empathetic and caring about the people around you. Hold on to that visible desire you have now for everyone to be happy and safe. It's a lovely quality.

See you in the morning.

Lots of love, Mummy xxx

"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." ~ C S Lewis

This is a man's world?

"Mind the maternity gap"

"Male bonuses double those of women says study" 

"Working mothers risk damaging their child's prospects" 

(That last one was the Daily Mail....just saying)

This issue is all over the media at the moment. I have been asked to be a guest on a BBC Radio Cambridge programme on the subject next week which I am delighted about because it is a subject I am very passionate about. 

Feminists hate it when women say that they are not feminists and if you take the dictionary definition of the word then, yes, I am one. I do believe women should be allowed the same rights, power and opportunities as men and should be treated in the same way. I do not however, believe that feminism should be a crusade or a cause. I hate the prospect of female quotas on boards. I am vehmently for equal opportunities and I firmly believe it is then up to each individual to make the most of those opportunities. I would really like the focus to be less on whether there is a glass ceiling for women or a gender pay gap to address and more on making sure that our business environments are conducive to career development for everyone and that our girls are coming out of school fired up with confidence and ambition.

I've blogged on the subject before but I work for money, for me and so I can be the role model I want to be for my daughter. She gets lots of quality time with me but, in addition, I can demonstrate to her that women and girls can be whoever they want to be. I want her to see me enjoying work and I then use my fulfilment to be a more engaging parent to her. It's not a one size fits all, but it fits me. 

It's just my view but I believe we should embrace what makes us men or women and use those attributes to create a balanced workplace. Women trying to compete with men, blaming glass ceilings for lack of progression and shouting about gender pay gaps and inequality need to sit down and re-evaluate their focus. I think we should all focus on what motivates us rather than what we think is holding us back. Blaming someone else for not achieving what we think we should will never see us prosper in the way we want to. We should embrace failure as another experience and get on with it. Don't get me wrong. I cry, get upset and sulk with the best of them but once I've revived my logical mind, I move on.

I consider myself to be a big supporter of women in the workplace, reasonably good at my work, reasonably successful and reasonably ambitious. Despite all this I still recognise my own character traits which prevent me from being able to ruthlessly claw my way to the top in the style of Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada. Alpha female, I am not. These traits are:

1. I cry easily. Kelly Cutrone (alpha female and very successful business woman) wrote a book 'If you have to cry, go outside'. She would emotionally flatten me. I'd be outside all day.

2. I think I'm good at my job but will never ask for more money to do it. You won't change that about me (people have tried).

3. I hate upsetting people and can't deal with anyone thinking badly of me. So much so that I verge on pathetic sometimes.

4. I want people who work for me to be the best that they can and that sometimes distracts me from myself.

5. I don't want to be one of the boys. I'm happy being a girl and really don't mind making the coffee (shhh).

Feminist crusaders' heads will be exploding everywhere with that last one but it's true. Along with all of the above I want to succeed. I thrive on building a successful business and I want to be the best I can be.

I am not denying that the glass ceiling and gender pay gap exist and even that discrimination happens. I am simply suggesting that these issues may not have all been constructed by sexist men to keep us out of the boardroom and to keep all the money for themselves. Instead I think that they might be phenomenons which have formed naturally over years of some women making the perfectly valid and personal decision to focus on motherhood over their careers, some women not pushing themselves forward for pay rises as readily as their male counterparts, some women having a lack of confidence to apply for the top jobs and some girls rising from school into the workplace with less ambition than the boys. It's not wrong, it's just the way it is. So, in my humble opinion, the number of women in the top jobs is lower than the number of men for no sinister reason. It's just nature and life. The jobs are there for the taking though girls. Let's just look at ourselves first if we don't end up taking them.

My inspiration ~ Molly Rose High at 2 years and 10 months

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't" ~ Margaret Thatcher

"A girl should be two things: who and what she wants" ~ Coco Chanel

"I don't mind living in a man's world, as long as I can be a woman in it" - Marilyn Monroe