What do I want for you?

As your Mummy, almost all of what I do is related to my wider vision for you. It's not written in the stars or carved in stone or something I am outwardly trying to achieve. I just keep it carefully wrapped up in a soft muslin cloth inside of my subconscious, it's essence seeping through in my words and actions. It isn't a collection of definitive plans but a gently swirling pool of hopes and dreams which manifest themselves in the things that we do together.

Tonight we walked home from the pub after dinner ~ The Brinkley Lion, June 2014

We spend many weekends in Cambridge when we always go to the book shop. Book shops are my haven. Packed full of little gems. Stories, pictures, words, adventures, facts, hopes, dreams, lives & achievements. Nourishment for the imagination and the mind laid out on paper and encased in an intriguing cover to entice you in. Books will help you to see the world through other people's eyes and to expand your imagination. I've been bringing you to book shops since you were a baby and they are now where you now curl your little legs up under you in the big chairs and carefully choose between 'The Yeti & the Bird' and 'Mr Trouble'. A big decision. You should take advantage of the one thing that I will never say you have enough of.

And sometimes we go for a walk in the countryside around our village. We have started taking our notebook so that I can write down everything that we see. Your excitement for shouting out something that we don't have on the list is very sweet. And you pay so much more attention to your surroundings in the eternal quest for a longer list. "White butterfly Mummy!" you squeal. "Black sheep Mummy! Field of wheat Mummy! Yellow buttercup Mummy! Gate in the field Mummy! Mole hill Mummy! Horsey Mummy! Blackbird Mummy! Write it down Mummy. Put it on the list!" 

I want you to appreciate a sunny day. To appreciate the beauty in our surroundings and to enjoy the simplest things in life like exploring the furrowed passageways through a green field of wheat. "I hope we can find our way out of this field Mummy. Or we might have to sleep here without our warm comfy beds." You don't appear to be the adventurous type but time will tell. I love to watch you challenge your fears with such concentration, talking your way through your own complex myriad of apprehensions. "If we had to sleep here Mummy, we wouldn't have any dinner would we?"

More than everything, I want you to grow up believing that life is for living in and not just for existing in. I want you to challenge yourself, to express yourself and to make an effort to enrich your life through learning. Never stop learning and always try things that scare you. You will get the most fulfillment out of achieving things you thought you couldn't do. I believe that so much of what I can see you becoming will come from who you see me being. You baby, are my constant motivation to get fit, to stay healthy, to constantly challenge myself, to expand my horizons, to care about our society and to be someone that you want to be like. This stuff was all in me before you came along and I will never stop being thankful to you and my overwhelming desire to inspire you which has bought a lot of it to the surface.

Before your swimming lesson tonight

"You are never too old to set another goal or too dream another dream" ~ C S Lewis

"Don't turn into a lemon Mummy. I wouldn't like a lemon for a Mummy. Unless I was an orange. Then it would be fine." ~ Molly Rose High, June 6th 2014

At three and a half...

So, you're three and a half. You regularly tell me that waiting to be four is boring. A lot is due to happen then. "When I'm four you won't have to sit with me at bedtime Mummy." I think it seems such a long way away to you that you could promise me the moon because the chances of ever getting there are remote. I'm not sure what you imagine will be waiting for you in the magical land of being four but you're looking forward to it such a lot. 

Matching hair clips 

At three and a half you've spent your half term learning to swim and I have spent your half term crying with pride. I don't know why we cry when we're happy but we do. I do. Sometimes you get confused which tears are which. These ones have been happy tears. My baby girl, who was scared to walk over leaves, is jumping in the swimming pool. I can't help but well up, watching you try so very hard and looking so little and vulnerable in your swimming costume, hat and goggles. Like Christina Ricci in Mermaids.

I have watched you as you have visibly pushed past your apprehensions and you have told us that you are very proud of yourself. As you should be.

In case you don't live here when you read this, at three and a half you live in your "Brinkley house" which you are very attached to. "Mummy, I know now that holidays are not moving and we will live on holiday only for a little while. Then we come home. Right Mummy?" When I was little I was attached to houses too. I remember crying uncontrollably at the prospect of moving house and feeling like my world was collapsing around me. As you get older you'll realise that you can make new homes. But I get it sweetie, it's not just bricks and mortar is it. 

High Street, Brinkley, Cambridgeshire, May 2014

We've spent the day with Alfie and Ralph today and you've only just stopped crying after they had to leave. You just adore Alfie who has grown into the most polite, thoughtful and kind little boy. And Ralph's affectionate nature has not waned. A hug from those, just about still pudgy, baby arms is quite hard to beat. You three will be friends forever. I'm sure of it.

"I believe the nicest and sweetest days are not those on which anything very splendid or wonderful or exciting happens but just those that bring simple little pleasures, following one another softly, like pearls slipping off a string." ~ L M Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Me, you and your platypus

There's music from the 90s on TV. It was the music of my teenage years and it has always made me happy to reflect. Now though, I reflect with a touch of sadness because you weren't here. I'm not sure any memory will ever be quite the same now that I have you. I wonder if all parents feel like that? 

I said, "I love this song"

You replied, "I think it's a bit boring to my little head Mummy."

"I love you"

"I love you too Mummy. When you're not here I keep you safe with my head and my courage. That's why I love you"

You still use "that's why" in place of "because." And that's still ok. Those words all came out of your little head though. It's amazing how you've grown and absorbed enough to communicate your thoughts. I know all children do it but it's still amazing. 

We've done some cooking today. You've started quoting my cooking rules back to me. I've created a monster! "You have to make cheese sauce Mummy. Not buy it. That's cheating is it Mummy." You're using "is it" at the moment whilst you master the use of "isn't it". I never want to forget your journey with language. That's why I write to you. So we can both remember it in years to come. You worked very hard at your cooking today. My Nana was a cook, my Mummy loves cooking, I love cooking and I think it might be in the genes....

We had a break and watched a film. You hugged me saying, "don't worry Mummy" when I looked concerned for the children and Groo in Despicable Me. I had a tear in my eye at your little show of affection and you said, "it's ok Mummy, they're all together and safe now." 

You just asked if you could use me as a slide. I said that was fine:

"Mummy?" 

"Yes darling"

"Is it ok if my platypus slides on you too?"

I love you sweetheart. 

"For I am a bear of very little brain and long words bother me." ~Winnie the Pooh (A.A. Milne)

You, me and Easter

It's Easter Sunday and we're chilling at home, surrounded in religious symbols. You're amusing yourself making pictures with Fuzzy Felt I am pondering religion. A huge subject with lots of history, philosophy, psychology, geography and politics thrown in. I am not religious, but I am interested in all those other elements. I crave an understanding of why some people do believe. I think I have wanted someone to convince me over the years. No one ever has. I will never tell you God exists, nor will I tell you he doesn't. It's your journey to make. 

Why don't I believe? I just don't. I don't feel it. I believe in science, people, nature & philosophy. As we learn more, I adjust my understanding. I struggle with the concept of still believing in that which was considered fact over 2000 years ago. I believe the Bible is a historical representation of the time in which it was written. I also believe it was written by people, with perspectives, formed by what they knew, what they had experienced and what they wanted to put out there. That was over 2000 years ago. In political terms we are told we can't hark back to the golden age of prosperity, and that was less than 100 years ago. There is, however, a lot to be learnt from the Bible. We should all take what we need from it, as individuals, as people. How much or how little is hugely personal to each of us.

I put my faith in human achievement, life, love, discovery and learning. I have faith that being the best I can be will help you to want to be the best that you can be. I have faith that you'll do right by others and that you'll strive to create and achieve. I am thankful for what we have, just not to God. I am thankful to nature, science, family, geography, friends, philosophy and to the human condition, for my ability and desire to fully appreciate life for what it is.

I also believe you should reach for the moon, if that's what you want to do. This was what we did this Easter Sunday, we painted. 

Happy Easter baby. I love you.